Dumber & Dumber

"OMG! Like–No waaaayyy! OMG! LOL! Like, Fo' Sho!"

As far as I can tell, today's teenagers are exactly the same teenagers we were. So much for progress.

"All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again."

Every geeky sci-fi nut knows these famous words from the hugely popular ScyFy series, Battlestar Galactica (2004–2008)–and how much those words can resonate with our present-day lives. Nowhere is this more evident than in the modern lives of America's 21st century adolescents and teenagers.

Spaceman Spiff gets pawned by–Mom?

Like every generation before it, today's 11-19 year-olds believe they are the first to attempt to 'get away' with things that are against their parents wishes. You know the usual suspects; sneaking alcohol, breaking something and hiding it, stealing candy from a local drug store or super market. Or the holy grail of sneakiness; surfing porn.

Look gang, we were smart back in the day. And we were cool. We went out did stuff and got caught. Eventually. Every last one of us.

Every. Last. One.

You see, to my reckoning, approximately zero people get away with breaking the rules. Sure, sure, you can Google "unsolved mysteries" or criminals that have gotten away, blah, blah, blah. Thanks for missing the point. The point isn't to do a head count of all the sneaky, under-handed stuff we and others have gotten away with–no, dear reader, the lesson is that you will get caught. Period. Someone, somewhere knows something is wrong, I promise you.

Even if that someone is you.

An open note to America's youth. Since I know my kids and several of their friends (and teachers) read some of these posts, I thought I would take this moment to remind you all of a few things you may either not have learned or have already forgotten. Feel free to take notes (that would be copy and paste for most of you), as you review, reflect on how ANY of these thoughts might apply to you. Ready? Let's begin.

Aren't they all?

1. Naughty, naughty. Porn is is the ultimate online temptation. But did you know, today's ISP's allows parents (you know the ones that pay for and manage the internet access) to see your computer's activity online by ID number, so erasing the history in your browser does not stop us from knowing what you're up to. Also, the house's dwindling lotion supply is often another hint.

2. Busted! Store surveillance–it's been a retail fixture since the dark ages (for most of you, that means before 1985) and if you are using a five-finger discount on acquiring things like gum, candy and magazines, they know what you're doing–and soon, so will the police.

3. Whoa–go and let your light shine down. Hiding stuff under your bed? Really? You do realize this is one of the FIRST places we (parents) look when we are looking for something that's missing, right?

4. You are NOT the first ANYTHING. You are not the first child to smoke pot. You are not the first kid to steal a sip from your parent's liquor supply. You are not the first kid to watch internet porn. Speaking on behalf of all parents, we all did it–and we all got caught. You'll get caught, too.

5. Riddle me this. Every teenager over the course of human history, believes he or she knows everything, or is at least smarter than their parents/guardians/chaperones/authority figures. It's genetic. We were smarter than our folks, too. We didn't get away with anything either.

Today, teenagers have so much more to contend with then teenagers from just 20 years ago. Texting, sexting, porn, 500-channels, YouTube, Twitter, FaceBook, Pintrest and home-made drugs on top of acne, self-image concerns and raging hormones. It can be managed. Remember that your focus and your behavior determine your life.

And the choices you make have a tendency of following you for a long, long time. I know it sounds dumb but trust me.

Been there, done that.

Mortified In The Darkness.

A long time ago, in a movie theater thousands of miles away… a nine-year old boy's heart was broken.

Early June, 1977, Boston, Massachusetts. It was the best of times—mainly because I didn't know any better. There was a mad buzz about this new Star Wars flick. Maybe you’ve heard of it? I bugged my Mom for weeks to take me to see it. She had heard of it and had VERY little interest–but with my persistence (Can we go, huh? Can we? Can we go? Can we go, huh? Can we?), I was able to sway her to the dark side and coerce her to plunk down the $2 ticket price to take me to the flick that everyone was talking about.

Star Wars changed my life! It was big, loud, inventive full of imagination and wonder and showed off some of the best Sci-Fi anyone had ever seen anywhere! EVER! I was a fan for life, hooked from the moment the lights dimmed. 

Oh Snap! They make movies like this?

The Death Star blew me away (ha ha! get it?) and I remember seeing that opening Star Destroyer sequence as it roared by overhead for what, at that time, seemed like weeks! Does this fantastic thing ever stop? It's huge! The audience was gasping and transfixed. Lasers bursting, loud explosions, the sound effects. I was on sensory overload – and I was loving every minute of it!

Then, the most unbelievable realization hit me – one that will haunt me to the end of my days. Some people attending the movie actually had NO IDEA what they were watching when they saw that movie. It completely dumb-founded some movie-goers.

Like, my Mom.

Somewhere between taking off from Mos Eisely and being caught in the Death Star's space-monster-ridden trash compactor, my Mom and her boyfriend both went to sleep. Through Star Wars? Really? How is THAT even possible?

"Mom!!"
(snoring, shudders awake) "– oh, what?"
"Wake up!"
"Oh, ok…"

"You, quit napping during the movie!"

The concept of someone falling asleep during what was one of the greatest action movies ever made, was impossible for me to comprehend. I was bewildered, astonished! Even to this day. Look, I understand a lot of people didn't (and–gasp! — still don't) enjoy these movies on a level that I do, but to fall asleep? Really?

I have heard accounts of how people back in the early days of silent cinema would go to the movies (then exclusively silent films, sometimes with music–they didn't become "talkies" for decades), and would literally run screaming from theaters because a locomotive was filmed coming down the tracks at the viewers and they thought it was a real train bearing down on them. Or like the infamous War of The Worlds radio broadcast from 1938 where people had actually thought we were living through an alien invasion from Mars.

"People everywhere loved Star Wars–even PEOPLE!"

It has also been said that people in 1977, were largely unprepared for the hi-tech visual and sensory onslaught that became the Star Wars franchise. It’s been further theorized that audiences didn't have a background of special effects exposure, scientific understanding and experiential maturity to fully grasp what Lucas and company presented to them back in '77. 

Some dismissed it as 'foolishness' (a common critique Star Wars enjoys even today) or simply disregarded as an incomprehensible collection of wild, out-of-this-world ideas. When this happens, our brains can feel overloaded and will simply shut down. Or, my Mom simply might not have cared about what she was watching and thought that dark theater was a great opportunity to catch up on some sleep from raising a hyper nine-year old over-stimulated by imagery from campy space movies.

Losing their 'train' of thought...

Whatever overcame them had the exact opposite effect on me. I am a fan boy—a hopeless addict of this stuff for life. What’s more, I have raised a household full of hopelessly addicted sci-fi, gaming and comic book nuts. Yes, even my teenage daughter knows more about the ridiculous details of the Battle of Endor (Ewoks took down the Empire? Really, George?) than most adults.

Maybe my Midi-chlorians are all in an uproar over the thought of my Mom sleeping through Star Wars but I think if you’re a person that dozes off at a Star Wars movie, well my heart is saddened by the loss of the bright-eyed child in you that has long since died.

In the now less-than-prophetic words of Jedi-master Yoda; “Tragic news this is… and unfortunate.”