Friday, December 12, 2014

Got a definitive thought? Think again.

...or why EVERYTHING is a grey area these days.
Have you noticed the disturbing new trend in the world? Nothing is ever succinct. EVER. Problems are on the rise as solutions or on the decline. Here’s what I mean.
Everything… and I mean EVERYTHING you say, think or do, has an asterisk, an addendum or counterpoint. This means nothing is ever a definitive statement or complete thought. And it's exactly why no one–from Politicians to parents–can ever seem to resolve anything.
To clarify, lets take a little quiz shall we? 
Try convincing someone (not arguing, because then you’re just being a bully) any of the following topics:
  • Titanic (1997) is the greatest movie of all time. 
  • The President is single-handedly responsible for the state of our economy
  • Elvis is the greatest entertainer that ever lived
  • The Super Bowl is completely unwatchable due to excessive advertising
Think about each of those statements. They’re all opinion. I can tell you where I fall on each topic, sure, but the point is there are facts—verifiable FACTS—that validate either side of each statement. And so, there is no right or wrong, no one definitive answer and thus, no resolution.

Human beings have displayed a remarkable propensity to be bull-headed on just about everything. The more facts we seem to have at our disposal, the more we seem to ignore facts and stubbornly stick to what we chose, regardless of logic or often even common sense.
It goes something like this: 
James Cameron’s Titanic is the single highest-grossing film (in non-adjusted dollars, that would then be Gone With The Wind from 1939). From a box office standpoint, the movie is a resounding success. However, it is widely seen by film critics as a shoddy, fragmented and meandering screenplay (fact) that makes sitting and watching a 3-hour preamble to a sinking boat disaster film nearly unwatchable (opinion). 
See my point? Nothing is definitive. Both the fact that it is the highest grossing film of all time and the fact that many movie watchers who have been trained in what to look for (like say yours truly) find the film almost impossible to sit through—are both 100% accurate. 
Here’s it is; if nothing you say is definitive or has a counterpoint, then we will decide on anything. Ever. This is the root behind why our nation is so divided on just about every topic from race relations, to religion in schools, to the economy, to terrorism to gun control and immigration, and this is why we will never resolve anything. Too much to consider from both sides and too many counter-points, so we all simply shut down. The breakdown of communication and the erosion of any social progress we have made in the last 100,000 years.

Here’s a little impromptu case study to further my point:  
I’m hungry. 
So get a burger. 
But what about the carcinogens? 
I know, but you like meat. 
Yeah, but methane is destroying the ozone layer. 
Sure, but the animal is already dead and processed. 
And those processed fillers cause cancer. 
Well, there's always tofu or salad.
I know, but I’m still hungry. 
This limbo of point / counterpoint is making us into a society with no ability to make a decision—or immediately regret any decision or opinion instantly. We need to get over this cultural check mate or we will continue to watch the steady erosion of our laws, our progress as a society and even or very way of life.

And that, is a fact. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Why I am (finally!) excited for Star Wars again!

Ask me why I’m suddenly giddy again. 
Go ahead, ask me. (Need a clue? Just read the title.)

Unless you’ve been bulls-eyeing womp rats in your T-16 back home (I hear they’re not much bigger than two meters), then you must have at least caught wind that the new teaser trailer for Star Wars Episode 7 from the Disney/JJ Abrams/LucasFilm trifecta hit the internet the day after Thanksgiving—and the internet exploded as if ignited by two Proton Torpedoes through a narrow exhaust port.  

Sure, sure. The 90-second trailer didn’t tell us much but it showed us lots. If JJ can work half the magic on a Galaxy Far, Far away as he did for Starfleet and the USS Enterprise, then… oohhhh Momma!–is this movie going to sizzle! 

Internet Gundarks all had dumb shit to say about it, but it had everything this life-long apprentice has needed. X-Wings flying 5 feet over a lake? Check. Whacky new droids bleeping and blooping through the Tattoine desert? Check. Dark voices mumbling stuff about the Dark Side? Of course. A new Red Light saber with crazy impractical laser hilts? Hells yeah! 

The best scene of all was a crazy, high speed ‘evasive maneuver’ featuring the Millennium Falcon (I understand it made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs) doing a 360ยบ barrel-role while narrowly avoiding a couple of oncoming TIE Fighters (they have Twin Ion Engines and stuff). Adventure? Heh. Excitement? Heh. A Jedi craves not these things, however, this is one scruffy-looking nerf-herder, who is about to be seduced by the awesome side–! As will millions of others. 

This flick stars a bunch of crazy new Padawans along with some veteran Star Warriors like General Han Solo, R2D2 and C-3PO, Princess Leia , and of course, Luke Skywalker. He’s a Jedi, like his father before him. 

For your viewing pleasure, please click on the link posted below. You will be whisked away to the outer rim territories (also known as YouTube) and I encourage you to watch this link. This one, a long time I have watched already.  

You can view it here.

May The Force Be With You December, 2015. 
Begun, the countdown has.  

Friday, November 21, 2014

That's NOT what I said

So after 46 years on Earth, I’ve noticed some stuff. 

One of those things is the growing number of instances where people feel compelled to tell you their misunderstanding of something you just said. Then, proceed to share how amused they are by what they thought they heard, even if you’ve verified your words anyway. 

Here’s an example:

(Watching sports with someone) 
“That shot was just what the team needed–crazy luck.”

“(Giggles) Wait! What did you say?” 

“…uhh, crazy luck.”

“Haha! I though you said ‘Lazy Fuck!’ Haha!”


So, here’s how my solidly juvenile-though-middle-aged mind works. If you ask me to repeat what I said, you didn’t hear it (or I didn’t say it) correctly the first time. Fair enough. 

Yet, if I tell you what I said and why am i now subjected to listening to what you thought you heard. It doesn’t change what I said nor is what you thought I said nearly as funny, now that I know its a misunderstanding. Why would I say what you thought I said? The words don’t even make sense in context. The listener is word associating their poor hearing or my bad projection. Now I’m forced to ‘laugh-along’ with something that is marginally amusing at best. What’s worse, we both know you heard what I said, you just wanted to share your “fun,” self-manifested impromptu wordplay. 

While adults seem to do this a lot, my kids do it almost daily. Sure, I have a pet peeve about being asked to repeat myself (needlessly) but this goes way beyond that. Now I gotta pretend your audio deficiencies are comical or my ability to project my thoughts are somehow diminished. (sigh)

Maybe the next time this happens, when I’m asked “(Giggles) Haha! Wait! What did you say?” I’ll say “…lazy fuck.” Then I can watch them try and process a statement they know makes no sense whatsoever and I can revel in watching their face (and sometimes body) contort into fun and compelling shapes as they attempt to apply logic–you know, the part of the brain that should have prevailed in the first place–to a statement they knew wasn’t made. 

My slow transformation into a grumpy old guy is coming along nicely.

Friday, October 31, 2014

We already won

Geek culture isn’t ‘taking over.’ That already happened.

It is with great joy I bring you the following op-ed: We won! The war is over. Go grab a nurse in Times Square and lay a big wet one on her (or him). The verdict is in. The jocks lost to the nerds, the cynics have retreated against the enlightened onslaught of the dreamers. The folks who asked “what if” got their answer while the ones who ask ‘why?’ were left behind like so many Kurt Cameron movie adaptations (see what I did there?).

Today is Halloween, 2014, the biggest official Cosplay day of the year. We’ve de-fanged the witless downers and non-believers by changing the terminology from ‘dress-up’ to cosplay, comic book to graphic novel and super-hero movie to blockbuster. But it hasn’t been an easy road for those of us who embrace fantasy and sci-fi culture. Like so many others, I was ridiculed in my early years for my love of (nearly) all things geek.

IT's no secret that superhero and sci-fi films (and culture) have become the biggest entertainment properties on Earth. In 2012, I had a boyhood dream come true when Marvel Studio’s The Avengers became the single-highest grossing box office film of all time (worldwide) raking in $1.6 billion. Audiences the world over threw mad love (and crazy cash!) at Marvel’s iconic superhero mash-up film. Since I have been reading the Avengers since age 7 (thats almost 40 years of being a fan for anyone keeping track), seeing Marvel's The Avengers was one of the greatest moments of my life. 

Assembling Winners

The Avengers were hands down my favorite comic book growing up. Five years ago, you likely didn’t even know that name, not if you grew up without appreciating Marvel comics. I guess it’s no surprise that the latest Avengers (Age of Ultron) movie trailer broke all kinds of internet and YouTube viewing records. The phenomenon is just beginning. 

The explosion of Marvel’s success at the box office shows these movies resonate with many people and are here to stay. I guess I wasn’t reading “funny books”–as my mom would call them–when I was younger. Of course if Mom had ever taken the time to read Crisis on Infinite Earths, Judge Dredd, The Walking Dead, The Dark Phoenix Saga or the The Dark Knight Returns, she might rethink that terminology. 

A Future Worth Exploring

And as more people then ever in the history of cinema flock to these films of larger-than-life heroes and heroic figures, the cynics and critics keep trying to take cheap knocks at the characters I have spent a lifetime reading about, cherishing and even creating. TV shows like the Walking Dead, Arrow and Gotham continue to resonate with everyone, not just geek culture. Praying for it to end? Won’t happen. 

Give up now, join us. These shows are fun, well-handled, well-scripted, well-acted and compelling movies that only keep getting better. While I won’t be wearing any costumes this Halloween, I will be at my desk, giggling like a school girl as I pour over all the Marvel studios and Warner Brothers/DC movie news. 

My Condolences 

For those that don’t like it, I really am sorry that optimistic young child that used to reside in you died striving against that boring, dismissive, closed-minded grump you’ve become. Just know it’s not too late. Simply embrace this culture is here to stay and will only keep getting bigger.

Between Comicons, Cosplay, Superhero TV and movies, comics, novels and graphic novels boring stuff, with no imagination, just doesn’t cut it. Just waive the white flag, because in case you didn’t hear, we won. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

This just in: Dads aren’t dimwits.

I have noticed recently that Dads in the media are portrayed increasingly as dolts, dummies and dimwits. This post is going to attempt to alter the course of that nonsense.

How dare you!

As a single Dad to four teens, I have been the grounding voice of discipline, authority, wisdom and common sense in lives of my kids. I'm their Rock of Gibraltar. Now, I'm pretty damn far from perfect. But I can cook, I can clean, I am college educated and I'm the holder of all the highest high-scores in the family. I have the best jump shot and make the best omelet in the house. (butter, not oil).

Sit down, dummy. According to TV, women get the job done better.

So why does Hollywood, TV and advertising portray Dads as clueless dolts and dopey dudes who can barely tie their own shoes, know nothing about fashion and can’t boil a pot of water without their wife or girlfriend? Give me a brake! I'm the first to admit, women offer an amazingly diverse perspective on everything from raising kids to shopping to running a household. I cherish every suggestion my girlfriend has offered over the years. But that's not because I'm some doofus who wouldn’t be able to function without some woman telling him what to do. 

I know how to iron, I know how to tie a half-windsor, I know how to bake bread, I’ve made lobster croquettes and bake a mean lemon cake (yes with lemon-shards and ground vanilla). As a classically trained artist, I can paint, build furniture, organize color schemes and cook better than most women I know. So sorry Hollywood, I’m pounding an angry fist on the BS button on your views of men!

Double tuning the carbondifibulometer with a 3” torque ratchet… thingie. 

I played organized softball, volleyball, football and basketball. I bench-press a considerable portion of my 270+ pounds. I do indeed, enjoy watching sports. Pretty manly stuff, right? But lift the hood of an automobile engine, and you might as well be showing me the operating schematics to a rocket propulsion system. In arabic. Backwards. Upside down. In short, I'm lost. 

I understand (fundamentally) how internal combustion works. But that's as far as it goes. I know nothing, repeat, noting about cars. I did not spend time as a grease monkey, huddled under a hood or a cranked ’72 Chevy Bartooga (or whatever) learning why the chronic flan-ger-ator doesn’t syphon off properly. With today’s computer-driven cars and repair systems, this seems completely unnecessary to me. 

Dad or bust.

Given the mixed messaging from society and the media, men have an increasingly convoluted picture about what it means to be a man. Or a father. Actually its really quite simple. Mothers give a caring, nurturing and loving perspective to life. And so does a man. A woman can have patience, compassion and emotionally ground. And so does a man. What women CANNOT show a child, is what it means to be man. To be there, to be engaged, to be a stern voice of authority when necessary, to show both daughters and sons what manhood really means. To take care of business, problems and your family. 

So, Hollywood, take out your notepads. Anyone can lay down and make babies. The real test of manhood is to stand up and take care of them. Everything else is a careful mix of common sense, fear, intelligence, lede expereince and blind guesswork. We all trip, stumble and make mistakes. Just admit when you’re wrong, apologize for any mistakes and pain you have caused, hold your head up and persevere when you would rather quit. I don't need a woman to help me with any of that. 

So that’s what it means to be a father and to be a man, according to me. Its not easy but its pretty simple, right? That's because it.

P.S., For the record, my Dad was never around. Which taught me the #1 most important part of being a Dad. Being there. 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

18 things to remember when you're 18

On September 30th, 2014, my daughter turned 18 years old. What an amazing milestone she has reached and I will save all the “it seems like only yesterday, when…”cliches you’ve heard them all… even though they still apply.

Instead, I thought I would offer this quick reference guide for the savvy young adult entering into a new phase of life. These are (mostly) my thoughts, not borrowed from somewhere else_though if they were -profound enough that would be ok too. Enjoy. 

1. Life is a precious gift. Don’t squander it on people or pursuits that don’t make you happy. 

2. Travel. It will give you life perspective and help you understand people.

3. Don’t marry anyone before age 30. Live, love, travel. If you meet the love of your life, they will be there waiting for you at age 30.

4, Trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong.

5. Keep an open mind. You’ll be amazed at how full and rich your life will be.

6. Maintain a good sense of humor. No one likes a grumpy puss.

7. Listen before you speak. Don’t just wait for others to stop talking before you start. 

8. Your family in life will be defined by the people who stand by your side when they could have looked (and ran!) the other way. 

9. You are important and you matter. Vote. 

10. No one loves you more than God. Its true. When all feels lost, he is there to help you find your way. 

11. Do kind things for strangers. What you get back is immeasurable. 

12. Doing something you love is far more important than making a bunch of money. 

13. Never stop drawing, it promotes neuro-elasticity in your brain and enhances critical thinking. You'll need that to out-think the dimwits. 

14. Take care of your body. Its the only one you’re going to get. 

15. Your family loves you. Remember that during the tough times. 

16. Don't be too quick to judge others. Remember how much it sucks when it happens to you. 

17. Put the technology down and go outside. The sun is good for you and flowers smell good. 

18. Everything in moderation. Including moderation. Lets face it, sometimes you gotta just cut loose. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I decided “getting old” just isn’t my thing.

Nothing makes you feel the weight of your years like your children. They know nothing, yet have all the answers. Their music is “better” (also known as worse), their TV and tech is almost out of reach if you are over 35 (I am) and they have boundless wells of energy and seem to be able to not sleep. Me? well the concept of mid-afternoon naps sound like a heavenly way to a complete day.

I frequently hear people ‘my age’, namely those part of Generation X (those born between 1961 and 1981) say things like, “us old folks got to stick together” and “kids these days’ and other old fart bag statements that make the person saying them like they have one foot in the grave. It hints at a old, grumpy person’s mentality that I just don’t adopt. 

I won't.

At 46, I workout more, eat better and watch more (and admittedly cooler) movies than the teenagers in my my life. I also play more video games, watch more sports, do more things that bring my life joy and meaning than they ever have. “Me time” is essential for healthy longevity and I plan to keep that going. It works. When asked about my age I always say “guess”, I have gotten everything from late 20’s to mid and late 30’s. Hah! See? Either 40 really is the new 30 or the youthful way I live my life is paying dividends. Or I could just have some decent genetics.

Be mindful I am NOT in denial. Again, I am confidently able to state my age; 46 in case you missed it, and to me, there is a huge canyon of difference between "growing up" and being an adult.

Sure ‘kids come first’ and ‘everything I do is of them’ those are both true. What is also true is my teens don’t have a lackadaisical Dad who sits on the couch, drinking, smoking and wailing about the “good old days.” No I’m the Dad taking them to the opening night premieres, the Comic Cons, watching (and playing) sports, checking grades online (that's not very popular with them but whatever) and sitting and talking with them whenever possible. Heck I even co-host a gamer podcast to discuss the video games I play with them. Yeah, I’m that Dad. 

I’m too busy, too enthralled with my world, my art, writing and design, my job, blogs, my love life, my love of entertainment and my growing “where I want to go” list of travel to worry about ‘getting old.’

Sure I’m aging, but getting old is a way different mindset and I decided long ago, It just ain’t for me. Listen, I’d love to chat more but I’m heading out on a raid in Destiny and the kids are telling me my online fire team is waiting for me. 

Friday, August 29, 2014

Why Ferguson is such a personal outrage

This is NOT the post you think it is. 

As a man of bi-racial heritage, I find it difficult to swear racial allegiance to one “race” or another. Like I have shared with my four bi-racial children, when two people of two different colors come together and create life, that child is now a unique and distinctly different "color." When you mix red and yellow, you get orange. Orange is now a uniquely separate thing with its own properties and identifying characteristics.

Seeing things through a racial filter has-at best–always been tough for me. There were a lot of different nationalities of kids I played with growing up in my inner-city  Boston neighborhood. As an adolescent, I played with  2 Ethiopian kids (brother & sister), 2 Haitian brothers, a bi-racial boy, two white kids (brother and sister), 2 Black kids and another white boy who lived above me (it was a 24-unit, four-story tenement). We knew nothing about racial segmentation. Nor did we care, we were too preoccupied with having fun together, rain, sleet or snow.

So when a young back man is gunned down by a white cop (the young man was unarmed and the cop shot him six times at point blank range), I'm stunned. Not by the event, not even by the outrage of the multi-nationality of the protesters. I am not even off-put by the scores of police using dictatorial-style military tactics to ‘disperse’ the crowds. I am appalled by the reactions of those of us who are so far removed from these events and yet have so many opinions about it. 

Facebook and Twitter exploded just hours after the news broke and the chose-up-siders went to town. Memes that explained outrage over how a black cop shot a white guy and that got no news coverage, where were the protesters for that? Really? What about the two black guys who beat up a poor white US veteran and the story never got any media play (something I find astonishing since we all somehow know about it). Then there’s the multiple stories of how the young man, Michael Brown, had (allegedly) robbed a convenience store of a cigar a day before being killed. He stole a cigar. When did the crime for THAT warrant an immediate execution-style death?

Here’s what we know; a young man (who was slated to start college course two days after being killed) was gunned down by an officer. I don’t know what the officer’s motives were, I wasn’t there. But 10 shots were fired. Ten. Six found their mark. Two to the head, four to the body–anyone else find this excessive? And a white cop, Darren Wilson, patrolling in an all-Black neighborhood, that has had a history of racial tension with the police, is not a good backdrop. 

The brutality of the police was mind-numbing to me. The dismissal that this was not a racially motivated event. The police chief of Ferguson said, in a press conference, "this was not an excessive use of force the officer, discharged his firearm not many more then two times.' ("Not many more?")

Tear-Gas, rubber bullets, footage of cops antagonizing and goading protesters. Name calling (albeit on both sides) made me ashamed and fearful for our country. Did I really watch a news clip of a police officer calling people who are outraged and fed up with injustice “animals?” What the hell? Its a scenario as volatile as any imaginable. 

The specter of racism hangs over every facet of our society. It has not gone away. It will not go away. Not until every single factor gets addressed. It is NOT okay that anyone loose their life over anything. Period. Even if Mr. Brown was charging the cop, they are trained to put someone down with non-lethal force. But that's not what happened. If this was a white man, he would have been pepper-sprayed or tazed. You know it, I know. The officer Wilson knew it. And now, Michael Brown, son, friend, would-be college attendee knows it. But the cost of acquiring that knowledge cost him his life. 

This all brings me back to when I was playing with children from a spectacular number of nationalities and ethnicity when I was growing up. I knew nothing of race, each kid was as fun as the other and figuring out how to play with so many kids was our challenge, not race. 

My offering for progress. 

In 2013 I traveled to Atlanta and met a life-long friend and his wife (he’s Jewish BTW) and we all went to DragonCon, the big Sci-fi convention held there every year. While there, we attended a panel of stars from the great Sci-Fi series Battlestar Galactica. A panel which included actor Edward James Olmos. In a giant exhibition hall of nearly 5,000, he explained how his belief system informs him that there is but one race… the human race. That nationalities are just political excuses to divide us and drive derision. 

He then challenged the crowd to embrace and spread this vision and to recite the catch phrase of the colonial fleet. We all stood on our feet to utter, in fist-pumping unison the prophetic words; “So say we all!” The entire throng chanted back “So say we all!” Exchanging this phrase back and forth, louder and louder until the thunder of more than 5,000 people shook the very halls of the Atlanta Hyatt’s convention center. Remembering It still sends shivers down my spine. 

Edward James Olmos is right. When there is no black race or white race but just a human race, humanity can truly take a step toward bettering itself. If it had happened sooner, young Michael Brown would be alive and in his first semester of College today. And the national tarnish of racism would be a distant memory. 

So say we all. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

There must be something wrong with me

Getting hurt isn’t funny. No matter what the idiots who run MTV will tell you, their million-dollar programs like “Ridiculousness” or VH1’s World’s Dumbest… whatever. Or the Jackass movies and TV series. I can't barely watch them, let alone get any amusement form them.

Maybe its because I’m a Dad and I’ve had to pay for some serious injuries. Broken legs and ankles, broken fingers and arms, sprains, muscle strains and more sinus infections than I dare to count. Also two asthmatic kids who have been hospitalized in the past, don’t make for ‘loads-o-laughs.’  My daughter even had to be rushed to the ER because her brothers put Pine Sol cleaner into her shampoo bottle and it got into her eyes. She could have lost her eyesight. Was that  when the belly laughs were supposed to begin?

To be honest, I have NEVER thought it was funny when people fall and get hurt. Not only is it embarrassing for the person who falls, but physical trauma can lead to permanent debilitation. Is this where the giggling kicks in? I’m sure it’s because of how I'm wired, but seeing somebody hurt–even marginally–is not an all-day laugh session. 

Not to me. 

It may also be because I want to keep the people I love out of harm’s way. Perhaps it’s because I have had a near-death experience myself. Or maybe because I simply don’t find physical pain (or physical humor for that matter) all that funny. 

Sure, sure. I watch NFL football, play violent video games and enjoy violent action films as much as the next guy. But NFL players are paid handsomely for their efforts, video games are make-believe and movies are at worst, co-ordinated, choreographed performances. This does not absolve me of watching similar content, but in no instance do I laugh a hearty laugh at someone else’s expense. 

Go ahead and get yourself a concussion, snag a major surgery or two or even just slip and fall. Then please share, at what a laugh-out-loud funny experience it is. 

Obviously, it’s funny time. But you'll have to pardon my lack of amusement. 

Thursday, July 31, 2014

You Mad Bro?

Always angry behind the wheel?
Maybe it’s time we looked at why.

Time for a rant, kiddies. Not a day goes by while driving in Phoenix, Arizona that I don’t get at least one stare-down from angry and distracted driver. This is when the other driver is so angry at me for some nonsense reason, that he—or even sometimes she–will mean-bug me as they drive by or if I should pass them. For the life of me, it seems like the most silliest of reasons to rage over. 

Let me paint the picture for you.

I’m not a ‘pokey’ driver. I’m commonly 10-15 mph over the speed limit. I am courteous, I always use directionals. Always. My movements are NEVER a surprise to my fellow drivers and I am fair when it comes to letting others merge or when I want merge I am sure as try and not piss-off others drivers, In 65 mph Freeway sections, I’m doing 80 so there is discrepancy about my driving. I’’ve been in two accidents. Once, one of those fancy Priuses zipped in front of me, cut me and my much larger car (a Chrysler Pacifica) totaled his. The other time, a VERY distracted driver T-Boned said Pacifica and totaled it. I walked away from both, very pissed. 

Back to the lunatics. 

So I am a decent driver. In truth, I drive as if I believe every person on the road is out to get me. Works out well. So why all the angry mugs on the road? While I am the first one to admit (as I am not pre-disposed to being right) the answer lies with them. Here are the five character types we can all identify with: 

1. The Texter. This words-before-roads communications genius is often seen on highways and at stoplights, furiously sharing important info like industrial spy secrets, hacking the NSA's servers or even solving world hunger problem. It must be one of those things because these ding-dongs can’t even be bothered to drive or pay attention. What’s more, they are furiously startled and may even share an unhappyy emoticon via hand-gesture when you beep at them.

2. The Talker. Who can be bothered driving when theres important topics to discuss like shoes, last night’s game or leaving kissy-face messages for their snuggle bunnies? Not these dopes. Driving at 15 mph in a 40 mph zone is all the rage and perfectly fine when you got stuff to say. 

3. The Startled One. This jittery dip pulls up to every stoplight, Yield and Stop Sign in the county. Is then suddenly distracted by their iPhone /Coffee / Text /radio or whatever they can find to distract them. hen when its time to go, they miss their cue and that’s when it gets weird, you or even someone behind you, honks their horn and and they practically leap out of their skin! Really? 

4. The Testosterone Fiend. These troglodytes are often driving a giant white, ozone-crushing Ford F-350, with all the fixin’s. They swerve and accelerate in and out of traffic like its a game of groans. They cut you off and won’t think twice elf it. Then they flip you off, or even better, completely ignore the fact that you’re even on the road. Oh, and as an added bonus, these d-bags are men 100% of the time. (sigh)

5. The Road Owner. You are in the presence of royalty. Yup, this member of the roadway aristocracy needs you to get do one thing and one thing only get out of their way. Often a BMW or Audi, these entitled d-bags drive with a sense of purpose. Their purpose. Which is to say, you don’t exist and they are far more special than you are because you don’t matter. See? Now you know. 

So in the end, I don’t know who’s more hostile–them or me–but in the end, is either prospect a good one?