Before and Aftermath

So you think technology makes our lives better?

Well not if MY children have anything to say about it! 

The photograph above is an actual before-and-after example of the war my children have declared on the technology in my home. Electronic devices in my home actually cry out (or would if they could) when of my teenagers amble into the living room. The list of technological casualties reads like a who's-who of 21st century electronic gizmos. 

And every gadget in my home is an endangered species. 

Maybe it's because they simply don't understand that sitting on remotes or sticking them in  your mouth or even carrying them into the bathroom (and dropping them) will have dire consequences. Whatever the case, this is a terrifying example of the devastation my children visit upon my household electronics. 

Cell phones? My daughter alone has lost, shattered or broken five in three years. iPods? One was lost in a matter of hours, never to be heard–or heard from–again. Another was washed and just hasn't worked quite right ever since. Who knew? PSP? Shattered on the pavement. Nintendo DS? Met an untimely demise on schoolyard concrete. I once bought them a used laptop. Let's just say it took a couple days to find the screen, even though the keyboard portion was found under a bed. And wrist watches? Bwah-hahahaha. Oh dear lord, no. My children: 17  Watches: 0. The list of electronic casualties in my home is staggering. 

ADD. ADHD. Absent mindedness. Lack of caring. Ignorance. Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. Maybe they simply take fantastic technology for granted, I guess we all do to some degree at this point. Who even knows. 

Despite my best efforts, this new generation of teens, at least in my house, have no respect for things they have received. I get the whole 'nothing given has value' lesson now, I do. And my wallet cries at the thought of every infraction and lost tech at the hands of my techno-termites.

The Caveat? I have no fear of the machines taking over and Terminators hunting us down. I merely need to unleash my children on them and that will be all she wrote.

Game. Set. Match.

Shut that kid up!

You know the annoying kid that won't stop running his mouth during the movie? He's a real nuisance–and he's learned from the best.

"Why are they kissing?! Ewww–! Gross!"

WARNING! This rant is focused on the inexcusable behavior of parents who bring toddlers and preschoolers to movies that are inappropriate for their age group. If you are one of these parents and you don't want to hear what a crappy parent you are–please avoid this rant.

By show of hands, who here has been in a movie theater in the last six months to see a movie–meant for adults!–where some toddler is running his or her mouth asking "who's she?" or "Why did he do that?!" or laughs inappropriately too loud at events they don't even understand? If you raised your hand, then you have been the victim of social troglodytes who think none of us will notice a two-year old is watching a Rated PG13 or Rated R movie.

And they need to stand trial for their crimes against humanity.

Yes it is a free country and yes there is NOTHING keeping me in my seat when there is an annoying audience member who somehow has missed the general cues of  common behavioral etiquette. But I did not pay a $8-to-$11 single ticket price to hear your kid's inquisition of why each person on-screen is "not being nice" as they shotgun their way through a horde of zombies and/or aliens. 

"I don't like Emma Thompson–!"

Recently, a 21-year-old man was put up on felony charges for smacking the ever-loving popcorn out of the mouth of an obnoxious kid (age not disclosed) who was running his mouth, throwing popcorn and being generally unruly. You can read more here. Now I am NOT condoning hauling off and whacking some random pre-teen blabbermouth. That's not cool on every level. But deep down... way deep... we can all relate to how that guy felt.

As a parent, I'm compelled to offer three notable points to qualify my thoughts here. First, I disqualify any PG or made-for-kids flick. Anything with brightly colored characters, talking animals or inanimate objects–like cars or teapots–that have faces, are exempt. These movies are made for them. Second, while my children are all adolescents or teenagers now, I know kids can get chatty during a movie. Lastly, I fully understand that this is NOT the child's fault. Their dim-witted genetic sires thought none of us would mind if little Susie or tiny Timmy would share their thoughts on the film's finer points throughout the entire show.

"Why do they charge so much
for popcorn momma?!"

Be advised it does NO GOOD to confront these sub-human ingrates directly. They will argue with you, often right in the theater, and further disrupt the experience. You can opt to go tell one of the pimply-faced future brain-surgeons who are masquerading as ushers, but they tend to only grunt and point  toward the manager's station anyway.

The only way to get really back at these noise-makers is to hold the theater accountable, and that means putting on an unhappy face and marching ourselves, en mass, to the supervisor or manager's station and demanding a refund for the unacceptable environment created by these little prepubescent chatterboxes. It sucks of course, because the movie theater folks had nothing to do with it. But it is their job to police the audience  and keep the experiential damage caused by mouthy people to a minimum.

When we make the experience unpleasant for the movie workers, they will in-turn, make the prattling tyke in row six button his lip or even inspire their brain-deadened parents to re-consider being there in the first place. After all, there is always NetFlix. 

Let's face it, your three year old doesn't need to see a guy unload a full-Uzi clip into a crowded street trying to nail a bad guy and have 6,000 bullets miraculously miss every bystander for four blocks. Isn't it bad enough your kid's being read stories about bears eating porridge and dishes and spoons eloping?

Dumber & Dumber

"OMG! Like–No waaaayyy! OMG! LOL! Like, Fo' Sho!"

As far as I can tell, today's teenagers are exactly the same teenagers we were. So much for progress.

"All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again."

Every geeky sci-fi nut knows these famous words from the hugely popular ScyFy series, Battlestar Galactica (2004–2008)–and how much those words can resonate with our present-day lives. Nowhere is this more evident than in the modern lives of America's 21st century adolescents and teenagers.

Spaceman Spiff gets pawned by–Mom?

Like every generation before it, today's 11-19 year-olds believe they are the first to attempt to 'get away' with things that are against their parents wishes. You know the usual suspects; sneaking alcohol, breaking something and hiding it, stealing candy from a local drug store or super market. Or the holy grail of sneakiness; surfing porn.

Look gang, we were smart back in the day. And we were cool. We went out did stuff and got caught. Eventually. Every last one of us.

Every. Last. One.

You see, to my reckoning, approximately zero people get away with breaking the rules. Sure, sure, you can Google "unsolved mysteries" or criminals that have gotten away, blah, blah, blah. Thanks for missing the point. The point isn't to do a head count of all the sneaky, under-handed stuff we and others have gotten away with–no, dear reader, the lesson is that you will get caught. Period. Someone, somewhere knows something is wrong, I promise you.

Even if that someone is you.

An open note to America's youth. Since I know my kids and several of their friends (and teachers) read some of these posts, I thought I would take this moment to remind you all of a few things you may either not have learned or have already forgotten. Feel free to take notes (that would be copy and paste for most of you), as you review, reflect on how ANY of these thoughts might apply to you. Ready? Let's begin.

Aren't they all?

1. Naughty, naughty. Porn is is the ultimate online temptation. But did you know, today's ISP's allows parents (you know the ones that pay for and manage the internet access) to see your computer's activity online by ID number, so erasing the history in your browser does not stop us from knowing what you're up to. Also, the house's dwindling lotion supply is often another hint.

2. Busted! Store surveillance–it's been a retail fixture since the dark ages (for most of you, that means before 1985) and if you are using a five-finger discount on acquiring things like gum, candy and magazines, they know what you're doing–and soon, so will the police.

3. Whoa–go and let your light shine down. Hiding stuff under your bed? Really? You do realize this is one of the FIRST places we (parents) look when we are looking for something that's missing, right?

4. You are NOT the first ANYTHING. You are not the first child to smoke pot. You are not the first kid to steal a sip from your parent's liquor supply. You are not the first kid to watch internet porn. Speaking on behalf of all parents, we all did it–and we all got caught. You'll get caught, too.

5. Riddle me this. Every teenager over the course of human history, believes he or she knows everything, or is at least smarter than their parents/guardians/chaperones/authority figures. It's genetic. We were smarter than our folks, too. We didn't get away with anything either.

Today, teenagers have so much more to contend with then teenagers from just 20 years ago. Texting, sexting, porn, 500-channels, YouTube, Twitter, FaceBook, Pintrest and home-made drugs on top of acne, self-image concerns and raging hormones. It can be managed. Remember that your focus and your behavior determine your life.

And the choices you make have a tendency of following you for a long, long time. I know it sounds dumb but trust me.

Been there, done that.