The Shuffling Dead

In cubicles, supermarkets and post offices across America, the undead walk among us.

I have got to admit, there are few guilty pleasures more satisfying than watching AMC's The Walking Dead. If you haven't seen the show–oh man!–you gotta watch it. Based on the highly graphic and incredibly ground breaking Image Comics series, the story describes how a killer disease covers the world and causes the dead to re-animate into human flesh-devouring monsters that prey on the living. They are brainless, animal-like brutes whose sole motivation is to devour every living thing in their path. They communicate in a mindless, unintelligible series of grunts and snarls. The really scary part about it is the "walkers" (or Zombies) aren't very different from our world's everyday brainless buffoons.

I'll bet you've met a few them already.

There's something going on in American society these days. Something horrifying, something so unspeakably twisted, it defies description. It is the common, widely held belief that many people have that makes them believe they are the only ones in the world. Or on the road. Or in line. Or watching a movie in a theater.

Just like the book "How to survive a Zombie Apocalypse" (also a fun web site you can visit here), there are things you can do to avoid an unpleasant demise at the hands of these re-animated dopes. In fact, modern living in the early 21st century gives us insight of how to identify the dark and gruesome days to come, should a Zombie uprising occur. 

Here are five common Zombies in everyday life we can identify–and defeat!–if we are prepared. Remember, identification is the first key to survival!

1. Mindless Road Fiends (MRF's). You've seen them, these undead ghoulies drive as though they are the first, last and only ones on the road. They see you coming down the road and speed out in front of you–causing you to stand on your breaks, only to reach a blinding top speed of 12 miles an hour right in front of you. As they bumble along in front of you with complete disregard for you and all their fellow drivers. 

How to defeat MRF's: The mindless road fiend is both clueless and dangerous. Get away from it as fast as your acceleration will (semi) legally allow! As you blaze past this lumbering loss of life, you can hammer-down on your horn. This will seriously disorient and confuse said brainless drone.

2. Supermarket Line Loafers (SLL's). You have a cart full of groceries, you're already exhausted from the day and the undead people magazine aficionado in front of you is hungrily destroying what few lingering brain cells they have left with an extended review of the latest goings on in US Weekly, Soap Opera Digest or the journalistic monolith known as the National Enquirer. When you ask them to politely move ahead (when the thorough throat clearing and impatient shuffling doesn't work) they turn and give you the soul-melting stare of defiance. 

How to defeat an SLL: There are two paths you can take to overcome this adversary. First, scream "Oh my God! Lean Cuisine just went on sale in the Frozen Food isle!" This is the primary source of sustenance for the Line Loafer. Just be sure to avoid the stampede. Your other option is to smack the magazine out it's hands and in the ensuing chaos and groaning, skirt your cart around them. Unorthodox but effective.

"Hey is that on sale?"

3. Chatty Chaos Bringers (CCB's). This is one of the undead all-stars here. Pick your favorite store or to-go food stop. Its busy, you have two items and you just want to go, but the clueless social invalid in line in front of you decides to strike up a riveting conversation about the weather or the soaring price of tomatoes and asks the cashier all kinds of life-altering questions like where does the store get it's paper from for its bags. Time to take action!

How to defeat CCB's: You can short-circuit the worthless brain of this walking terror by simply interjecting non sequiturs into their inane banter. This will result in more moaning and other bodily noises. Don't despair, stay the course. Example: "Did you know that all dog breeds are derived from the canine lupus phyla? This means all dogs are essentially wolves–!" Enjoy the witless grimacing that ensues... 

4. The TV Terror Talker (TTT). Often identified by discussing television shows like "The Real Housefraus of Berwin" or "So you think you can Cha-Cha?", this undead nightmare could infest your own family! Usually waxing idiotic by discussing ANY TV show you happen not to be watching, they can drone on endlessly. Caution! They can chat for hours and suck you in to their endless vortex of mind-numbing reality show prattle. Resist–they are trying to convert you!

"For the last time, I HATED LEGO Indiana Jones–!"

How to defeat Triple T's: The best defense here is to begin brandishing an invisible remote control and in an over-exaggerated motion pretend to point it at them while trying to change the channel–inches from their nose. Soon, silence will be yours once more!

5. Moronic Movie Monster. Perhaps the most deadly of all, this unseemly beast inhabits almost every movie house in the lower 48 states. Often known to discuss the finer points of their domestic lives, favorite recipes and offer play-by-play critiques of the feature film real-time, this brain-dead, life-less husk can ruin even the most timid movie-going experience. Dispatch with extreme prejudice!

How to defeat Triple M's: This is the granddaddy of all modern-day Zombies. You and your fellow movie-goers are best advised to put this creep out it's misery fast. You all must band together to defeat this one as a united force. Crowd around the fiend and stare at them intently and demand that the movie be paused so that the all-important conversation details can be shared by everyone in the entire theater. Since it was necessary to disrupt the film we should all hear of the fascinating turn of events of their child's play date last Saturday.

Sometimes, I think we all might be better off if a Zombie infestation broke out to let us thin out the herd. Well I can dream, can't I?