Toilet Talk

This photo is... flush left.

You'd be surprised by the crap people say… while on the crapper.

We've all suffered through it. The ramblings of people who are waaaay too chatty in community, corporate and public bathrooms. I'm not just talking about the guy (or girl if its the ladies room) who continues a conversation even after you have selected your favorite stall.

No dear reader, I am referring to the yahoos who sing while pinching a loaf. Who continue, work or in-depth conversations while launching a fleet of subs or who answer phones calls while sending the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl. It's unsettling, tacky and gross… if not just a hair funny.

Toilet time is just not a time to chat. Brood? Maybe. Meditate? Possibly. Read? Absolutely! Why, you may even be able to squeeze in a level or two of angry birds while you squeeze out… other things. So, hang-on to your danglers, kids, it's Arth Vader's top five culprits and dodo's and don'ts for the shared bathroom etiquette:

"Almost... there..."

1. The Grunting Bombardier. This guy's the worst, having a body-rattling colon cleanse while he continues conversations either on his cell phone or with a buddy. co-worker or even complete stranger in the next stall.

2. The Ankle-Grabbing Crooner. Listen, I love when someone has music in them (among others things) but do you need to share your melodic tendencies while releasing the python? Seriously, singing while on the potty is just plain… wrong. This also applies the cousin of the Ankle-Grabbing Crooner, The Ankle-Grabbing Tuner. This rocket scientist goes into the stall with their iPod headset so loud, people in the next building are tapping their feet.

Please, stop.

That's how I roll.

3. The Chat and Squat Diaries. Every colon-busting, under-achieving sub-human commits this arguably worst of all shared bathroom atrocities: answering the cell phone while on the porcelain throne! Example; "Hi honey, how's your day? (groans) Oh me? Work's ok–hey, did you (grunts, than a splash) pick up those pastries for Grandma's coming out party on Sunday (groans)? No… no it's no problem, I can grab them on the way (more splashes) home." I can't help but think the person on the other end of the call is saying "… wow, really?"

4. Musical Deliveries. Hey, I'm the first to acknowledge that when you gotta go, you gotta go. But, if you're in your stall and your… movements, sound like a thousand pebbles dropping into a pond for five seconds or more–please, change your diet! Or at least try and time your time bowel releases to be at home or where they psychologically damage the fewest bathroom visitors.

"No, I did NOT watch 'Storage Wars' last night... now SHHH!"

5. The No-Urinal-Is-Sacred Gossip Buddy. You're standing at the urinal and this gold-medalist in disturbing behavior begins a conversation that doesn't stop! Riveting topics like Sports-Center news, directions to a pub or scientific breakthroughs on laundry detergent–no topic is too trivial. Just be sure not to irrigate your shoes in a crazed furor trying to get away from this lunatic.

Sorry, I don't mean to–uh... dump on these dimwits but it's high time we wiped out (sorry) these boneheaded bathroom barbarians. Sometimes, I just need a little quiet time in the stall... is that too much to ask?