Friday, June 27, 2014

Five Signs that the Zombie Apocalypse has begun

Unless you’ve been living in a cave or a deserted island over the last 15 years, you know Zombies are big. The story of the dead rising to plague the living is the stuff of nightmares. Since George R. Romero’s Night of the living dead, the 1968 horror cult classic that depicts waves of ‘undead’ terrorizing a small town of clueless townsfolk, have kept us on edge and wondering when this all begs for decades. The pulse-less fiends are in search of one thing and one thing only; brains. These mindless ghouls have infiltrated our movies, books, video games and TV shows. But it’s all just make believe right? 


Here is a verifiable list both factual, and op-ed, that reveal 5 indicators that confirm the Zombie apocalypse is heading to a hometown near you:

1. Brainlessness is alive and well As the numbers of texting-while-driving fatalities rise all over the world, Teen Mom shows see ratings explosions in a culture that reveres a lack of accomplishment as a badge of honor. Texting while driving? Phhhfftt! Amateurs. Why not paint oil paintings, watch TV, make a sandwich or even take a nap while driving on the freeway. 

2. People are trying to eat other (literally) Real life news events such as a Florida homeless man being attacked by a guy literally trying to eat his arm, or the man in Texas who was killed by his roommate and partially eaten. ‘What the hell is going on’ you say? Your answer is two words that rhyme with Flomie Scholopolypse. 

3. Zombie and post apocalyptic story lines are more popular than ever. The walking dead is by far the most popular and talked about TV show. If you aren’t watching well, again… cave dwell much? Show like The Ship show a world where mankind’s downfall is at the hands of a killer infection. Television programing aside, movies like I am Legend, Resident Evil, World War Z, 28 Days Later and even the new Dawn of The Planet of the Apes all portray a world where some infectious disease wipes out most human life and civilization as we know it. 

4. The US Government has a real-life contingency for a “Zombie Outbreak” It’s true. The United States military has to draw up plans for every potential threat to the eel-being and sovereignty of the United States. The department of homeland security has a zombie outbreak contingency in the works in case the population balance between the living and the dead walking around main street dramatically shifts. 

5. Common sense and general knowledge is at an all-time low. Don’t take my word for it, look at non-paid general access television. Have you counted the number of brainless, no-value-tomorrow programs there are on the big four networks? We elevate racist and misogynistic idiots to star status (Kim Khardasian, Honey Boo-Boo, Duck Dynasty I’m glaring at you), and we wonder why kids today can’t identify more than 4 countries on a world map or can’t spell worth a damn or don’t even know how many World Wars the world has endured. The dumbos are multiplying and their brainlessness is spreading. Like an infection. 

Yep, pretty sure my brain will be top of the menu on Zombie’s top sought-after yummiest brains. We are so screwed. 

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