Friday, May 23, 2014

I figured it out!

To anyone who knows me, you know I am a huge movie buff. Yes I do co-write an amateur (but fast gaining readership) sci-fi review blog called the Boxed Office. While I'm usually a general lover of cinema; from foreign films to the occasional Rom Com (Romantic Comedies) to documentaries, I enjoy my projected-light story time. And if you know that you also know that I have had it up to here with the movie-going scene. While I absolutely LIVE for the big screen experience, I absolutely LOATHE being in theaters with people who talk, text and generally act like inconsiderate butt-heads once the lights go out. 

Gone are the days when moviegoers were courteous to others and would just STFU when the movie (or trailers) began. Ushers even used to walk the isles to remind all the disorderly dimwits the show is about to begin and it's time to shut your pie-hole. What’s worse, is the reality of pulling out phones and texting, talking or (gulp!) even gaming during the film. Who the hell ARE you people?

It was about a week ago when the answer to this quandary suddenly occurred to me. 

Generally, I am NOT a violent guy. Few things are worth getting in someone’s face over but really, I paid my admission fee, so I’m entitled to enjoy the movie–preferably without having to hear the BS details of of the so-called lives of inconsiderate rubes. Yeah that’s right I said it. I’ll say it again. Rubes.

Four easy words are the solution to decades of frustration for millions of people who only want to go and watch a movie in peace—and it makes the movie-watching experience that much better to boot. Are you ready? 

Pump up the volume. 

I’ve witnessed it firsthand. When the volume goes up, the shenanigans get drowned out. When the volume is high, the ding-dongs can’t think. They don’t pull out their phones, they don’t comment or talk and I don’t have to hear them hork-down their crunchy salty over-priced buttery snacks. It’s downright magical. So, Hollywood, here’s my proposal: 

Don’t fight these fools. They have no manners and no common sense. Just drown them out. No one will complain that the volume is too loud. No one. If a few little old ladies in Tulucca Lake bitch to the manager, you can tell them about the master plan and give them a free extra-small popcorn (a $13 value!). Everyone wins. No one will get into fights, get shot or beaten up over rude behavior or have to suffer through some idiot’s critique of every trailer and major plot development. Since you won’t ask your ushers and staff to tell the troglodytes to knock it off, the least you can do is to do me the common courtesy of helping me to enjoy the film. After all, its at least the pretense to why I'm there in the first place. Better yet, it won't cost you a dime.

Make it so. 

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