BUSTED!

"Can you hear me now?!"

Modern technology helps tip me off to what my children are REALLY up to!

While I am not convinced that the end of days is coming (it is 2012 after all), I am convinced that our world has changed so drastically, so quickly, that we all are left reeling to try and keep up and to stay at least one step ahead of the perils of modern technology.

And now, my kids can say the same.

Three recent events have put my kids on high alert status–and seriously has them looking over their shoulders. Not for big brother, but for Big Poppa!

"I love it when you call me Big Poppa.."

No not the ghost of The Notorious B.I.G. (R.I.P.), no today's tech in the hands of plugged in, hyper connected, digitally aware hi-tech parent hasn't had kids this scared since the dreaded parent/teacher conference. Check out these three instances of on-line detective work from yours truly that has all four of kids copping plea bargains for getting caught in the act.

Busted Case Study #1: A revealing set of Hooters. Recently during a school vacation week, my daughter Jessica and and one of her younger brothers, Antonio asked if they could go to the Phoenix (AZ) Art museum with some friends. Wednesday afternoons are free admission and it seemed like a good way to get them out of my house and suck up someone else's AC for a change. What they neglected to share was that they were also meeting a number of Jessica's (High School-aged) friends for a birthday party at Hooter's in Downtown Phoenix, followed by playing in the elevator banks of several downtown Phoenix office towers. How did Dad find out? Her friends posted the revealing set of pics on FaceBook and tagged her and her brother in the photos. Nailed!

Busted Case Study #2: Boxed in by XBOX. I have the family's XBOX 360 in my bedroom under lock and key, so that my children don't all out destroy it. Presently my family has lost a Wii, an (original, black) XBOX console and a PSP all in the span of a few months. Electronics cringe when one of my children are nearby.

Recently, while updating my iPhone XBOX App, I noticed that the APP had  shown that my 14-year-old son's identity was active online–while I was at work! I called him to ask why and he denied any wrong doing, but then suddenly, not only did his cell phone conveniently "die" at that very moment, but his status changed instantly from ONLINE to OFFLINE. He had later confessed that he and his siblings broke into my room and had been playing the game for months. Gotcha!

"Oh, hi Dad! This oh, uh... it's research–!"

Busted Case Study #3: Where's all my lotion? Internet access is quite limited at this single Dad's house since young, impressionable minds (and fingertips) are far too curious to be left to their own devices and (ahem) destinations. On those few occasions when I trusted my imperial progeny to 'do the right thing' I was treated to a tidal wave of sexy naughtiness and fornication service requests on my living room browser. When I checked the browser's history–you guessed it–I uncovered a veritable who's who of porn destinations. Since then, internet access has been severely restricted, though the number and frequency of daily showers per boy in my home has tripled.

Oh and I am well aware that they can erase said URL history but you can contact your ISP for a list of destinations recently visited by your computer's ID. Served!

I'm well aware that my children and other family members are reading this blog. And as I am always quick to point out, when you stuff wrong kids, you eventually caught.

So I ask you, is it worth it? Really?

There be giants!

"Please sir, no photos of giant man's crotch."

In a home with three teenage and preteen boys… the only thing I can do now is look up. 

I knew the day would come. The day when my little boys, became… well, bigger. Not yet men, but definitely NOT boys anymore. Their voices are all changing, they eat like a ravenous pack of wolves and they continuously grow out of their clothes like it's a bad running joke. I'm just not laughing.

Giant thoughts. Discussions about which super hero I would rather be or who would win; The Empire or The Borg have not yet gone away but are now interspersed with discussions about which swim suit models are hotter; Maxim or Sports Illustrated.

Then of course, there's the matter of porn.

"resisting pop culture is futile..."

Every computer and phone in their world has attempted to access 'nudie' pics, sex sites and adult sexual content of every kind. Governing this access–and policing it– is a full time job. It mortifies the boy's Mom and their sister dry heaves every time the subject is brought up. As a parent, my job is to monitor this behavior and make sure it is clear–beyond any shadow of a doubt–that this stuff only gets into your head and quickly becomes an obsession. But that, as any Conan (The Barbarian) comic book would say, is another tale.

Giant confusion. The world is a confusing and intimidating place for today's young people. Lots of revisionist history (like Sherlock Holmes stopping World War I or that Abraham Lincoln declared war on the Southern Confederacy because they held an alliance with Vampires), lots of mixed messages about the road to adulthood, sexuality, education, politics, nutrition and morality.

"um, how do I turn the page again...?"

I can't imagine the world makes much sense to today's young people–although that at least is consistent with the world view from when I was their age. Modern music is wrought with keyboards, synthesizers and re-mixes. Movies are re-imagined or re-booted. Books are read on tablet devices (like iPads) and video games are a part of–or replacement for–recreation. Everything is fast-food, push-of-a-button and instantaneous. There are 500 channels, free online games and Smart phones more powerful than the computer systems that sent Astronauts to the moon in the 1960's.

Giant aspirations. And that brings me to back to real-life. Today's generation (they are "millennials" at last note) have role models that are rappers, actors and athletes who have entourage's and tons of 'hotties'. Everyone wants to be an entrepreneur and satisfaction in anything needs to be instantaneous. I have endless discussions with my kids over what career will make them the most money. Very little conversation about the meaning of work or having an understanding of a fulfilling career.

My kids: their future–our world. Giant Expectations.

But, alas, there is promise for tomorrow. My daughter, who has an incredible aptitude for art–painting, illustration and photography–has aspirations of being a Marine Biologist. My eldest son is fascinated by law (after a glorious career in the NBA!). One of the twins harbors a passion for medicine, inquiring about Harvard Medical school and at age 11 had in-depth inquiries about cardiovascular surgery. The other twin shows incredible compassion for animals and is considering veterinary science–after a career in the military and/or the NBA. Hey, they can dream can't they?

With an abundance of distractions, mixed messages from society and rampant levels of ADD and ADHD to contend with, I am surprised these kids can even spell the things they are discussing about their futures. As we all know, life has a funny way of helping us decide the course of our fate, but with bright eyes and ambitious goals at heart–well their future just might have some promise. Daily, I look to the heavens and give thanks for their health, ambition and smile at the prospects of tomorrow for each of them. For all I know, they may all just might be giant men (and one woman) who vastly underperform.

But who knows, in the end, they might be giants.