LEGO My Hollywood!

So, I saw the new LEGO Movie this weekend with the kids. The movie was fun. Pure, clean, with well... pardon the pun, a well put together screenplay. It meanders and is at times, way over the top with the kid's humor but what are you going to do? It's a kid's movie.

A Franchise Done Right

The corporate story of LEGO is downright inspiring. Pulling itself from near brand-obscurity, LEGO has had one of the most remarkable self-improvement campaigns ever to increase it's marketshare, relevancy and profile. I mean lets face it, LEGO's are mutli-color building blocks of many shapes and sizes. What kid wants that with the likes of a Game-Boy DS, iPad, IPhone, XBOX ONE, PS3, PS4 and host of virtual and online entertainment options?

The answer is all of them. LEGO has re-invented itself, offering build kits for every modern franchise from Star Wars to Harry Potter to The Lord of the Rings. You can build the Justice League's headquarters, a Death Star or the Bat cave.

And Speaking of Awesome...

Some of the most successful (console) gaming titles of 2013 included LEGO Batman 2, The Lord of The Rings and LEGO Marvel Super Heroes (that one I ran the table on that's fancy gamer speak for having played to gain EVERY achievement in the game and unlock every 'world' and character. 

Thanks for letting me indulge my gamer side. 

So many licensing opportunities, this movie had to be a compliance attorney's nightmare. Batman, Star Wars, DC Comics, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The NBA just to name a scant few entertainment franchises who make cameo appearances, all showing their little 1.5" high figures with rounded little heads. It's evident that LEGO is now a permanent part of modern pop culture. How did these iconic little colorful building bricks become such an ingrained part of our entertainment tapestry? PR, baby, PR... and stellar strategic planning on behalf of the LEGO brand. 

A Pretty Good Little Flick 

With an all-star cast of voices, and top notch visual effects (you would not believe how incredible a world made completely of LEGOs can be), but the film is solid. Decent screenplay and terrific-looking visuals, it's a movie built from the ground up (sorry) to be an inspiration for movie-based follow-up releases like toy sets, the LEGO Movie video game (duh) and more kid's paraphernalia than can be counted. Tie-ins that are as shameless as they are brilliant.

LEGO has re-invented itself and is clearly here to say. And of all the things that don't seem to go away fast enough (Honey Boo-Boo, teenage vampire movies and junk food described as "healthy", I'm looking at you)—LEGO is a concept that has withstood the test of time and has proven itself worthy.

Super Ads 2014

Ready for the three greatest Super Bowl ads of 2014? Total opinion here, but these three ads will move the meter of my beloved ad industry forever.

I said greatest. Perhaps even boldest.

Not the funniest, not the coolest, the most expensive, best special effects or fan favorites. You can all debate those on Media Week, AdWeek, CNN, and a host of other news and business sources that will painstakingly read the metrics and analytics of response rates and recal. 

As a self-styled 'adman' I take measure of when the winds of changes move the narrative of promotional messaging and makes a difference. This year, three ads did that for me.

Note: to view these ads via their YouTube links, simply click on the title link under each image.

Exhibit #1: GoDaddy (the quitter) 

Imagine you've decided to quit your job. Bold decision (been there once myself actually). Now envision doing it front of 100 million people doing the super bowl. Add in actor John Turturro narrating your decision. That's exactly what GoDaddy customer "Gwen" experienced when she voices, emphatically to her boss; in front of whole world, "I quit." 

That took balls. For her. For GoDaddy to stop showing boobs and comedy for a change and to back that with the most expensive prime-time viewing slot in the year. Impressive, GoDaddy. It might even sway my sullen opine of you and your monolithic and spurious business practices. Keep that up.

Exhibit #2: Cheerios–new family member

In what is certainly the most visible bi-racial family profile I have EVER seen on network television advertising, this commercial made my mouth drop. We've seen the traditional nuclear family, Mom, Dad, 2.3 kids and family dog, portrayed in 100's of commercials. And we have seen them in all colors of the rainbow, Caucasian, Negro, Asian, Hispanic, Hindi. But never so blatantly a racially mixed family as a black father, who frequently glances over to his white wife as they explain to their biracial daughter that she is going to have a little brother.

Coming from bi-racial heritage myself, as do all four of my (now teenage) children, this spot holds a special place for me, sure. However, it is a bigger–bolder–statement to the world at large that interracial harmony is both celebrated and embraced by a giant conglomerate-style entity as Cheerios. This is an installment in a series of ads featuring this family and the bigots are stewing. Let them. The real world is now reflected in the face of American advertising. This can only lead to further breakthroughs. I am beside myself. 

Exhibit #3: Coca Cola_Multi-National Anthem

This one flew under the radar for a lot of people but sent shivers down my spine. This Coca-Cola ad features vignettes of people of all different ethnicity set to the backdrop of America the beautiful. With one powerful exception. 

The anthem is sung in over a dozen different languages. 

Not all at once, mind you,  but from bar to bar, the language switches only to keep coming back (and in final crescendo) to English. Every person, family or group is shown in all their ethnic and same-sex splendor. Sure Coca-Cola is a global brand, hell, it might be THE global brand–but this ad raises the bar of celebrating diversity in ways that can't fully be put into words. Believe me, as of the writing of this post, the racist response to this ad is also at near toxic levels.

Bravo Coke, bravo.

Now to be fair, my kids–and many adults I've discussed this with— didn't even recall these ads. They remember the big stuff, the goofy snarky, pranky and special-effect-laden, star-studded stuff. But these three ads have changed the face of modern mass media communications in ways that will ripple into our futures for years to come.

All three of these spots are bold and move us out of our collective comfort zone. I tend to hate or feel indifferent about mass market advertising—especially Superbowl ads—but the world of mass communication is changing and the future looks just a little bit brighter.

If only in the way big companies peddle their wares. 

Human Doing vs Human Being

Recently, a friend on FaceBook posted a video I just had to share. The video is powerful and moving—filled with inspirational footage, compiled from Director, Actor and Editor Zapatou. This video reminds us all that the world is much more than our little corner of it. It's more than social media Apps, video games and computer screens. 

Life is for the living. It's about running on the beach, playing in the snow, and marveling at this beautiful, fragile and awe-inspiring planet and all the fascinating people we share it with.

The video is bursting with incredible people, in breath-taking places doing remarkable things. It's full of humans doing, not just being. 

Lets join them.

CLICK HERE.

The Dark Knight: Shining Bright After 75 years

For 75 years, the Batman mythos has kept us captivated. In this the 75th anniversary of the introduction of the mysterious and haunted Bruce Wayne in Detective Comics issues 27 from May 1939, few characters have had as big an impact on the American pop culture psyche or the landscape of modern day icons. Batman represents so much more than a crazed eccentric in a mask it almost boggles the mind. 

Let's go on a journey.

An Unimaginable Tragedy

The spark event that transforms Bruce Wayne into the Batman is near legendary. Thomas and Martha Wayne are murdered by a two-bit thug (Joe Cool),  in cold blood in front of 10-year old Bruce. Shot to death before his very eyes. The trauma and agony of such a profound loss could easily have broken any of us. What happens though is quite remarkable. Bruce embraces the death of his parents as the catalyst for doing his part to insure no one ever suffers this kind of tragedy ever again. Bruce embarks on a life-long quest, using the vast resources available to him via his wealth to build a machine of calculated vengeance. 

The Best of Us

Millionaire trust fund baby, Wayne chooses a life of seclusion and grim determination to become the Batman, scourge of the criminal underground. As the air to one the world's greatest private (though fictional) fortunes, Wayne could spend his days in hedonistic debauchery but instead chooses to set his resources for the greater good. Instead of being a victim he becomes a symbol of hope and the embodiment of vigilante justice we could all aspire to. With no apparent "Super powers" and gifted with an incredibly gifted analytical mind, he transcends his human flaws while embracing them, becoming a far greater 'hero' than many of his equally heroic fellow Justice League compatriots.

A Serious Attack On "Funny Books" 

Batman and comic books in American society fell under heavy scrutiny and criticism in the 1950s by way of Congressional investigation. Falling on the heels of the infamous McCarthy hearings, the US Government went on a morality-fueled witch hunt of the comics industry. Funny Books–as many would laughably dismiss them–were seen as pulp literature, lumped in with soft-core porn and throw-away periodicals. 

Many comics publishers–including DC comics, publishers of Batman and Superman–found themselves in legal and moral stand-offs with Congress. While many comic characters–and companies–did not survive this onslaught, Batman and his publishers were able to tough it out.

Darkest Night

As a result of the US Senate's investigation on whether or not comic books contributed to the delinquency of minors, the Comics Code Authority was established to monitor the 'moral character' of comic books. This lead, in part, to the development of the popular and campy Batman live-action TV series that began in the 1960's. While this did much to return Batman to prominence and was a ground-breaking series in many ways, the series did some harm to the validity of both Batman and comics overall. 

However, while the TV show was running on mostly comedic energy, the comics were full-on returning Batman to his former glory as an ace crime-fighter and champion of street justice. And in 1986, after more than 30 years of being a cultural buffoon, he re-emerged to take his rightful place among fiction's elite ranks dark heroes.

The Dark Knight Returns

In February, 1986, the kid gloves came off. Fan fiction super savior, Frank Miller, writes an draws the now legendary graphic novel Batman: The Return Of The Dark Knight. The story chronicles an aged, weary, future Batman, coming out of exile to return justice to a world overrun by corruption, neglect and evil. The book sets the stage for Batman's cultural return to serious, adult-driven story lines that include battling drug dealers, the paralysis of Barbara Gordon (Batgirl) and the death of Jason Todd, the second Robin. 

The Billion-Dollar Bat

Created by comic masterminds Bill Finger and Bob Kane, Batman has not only resonated with whole generations of young men and boys looking to 'do the right thing', Batman continues to be a juggernaut at the Box Office, in the bookstores, comic shops and the list of collectables is as long as the Batman's list of adversaries. As a study, each installment of the Arkham video games outsells its predecessors. Christopher Nola's 'The Dark Knight' grossed more than $1.1 Billion in worldwide ticket sales. There is even a custom car dealer that will deliver a specialized, built-to-order fully operational Bat-mobile, complete with 'Bat-phone' and turbo-boost fire just for a mere $260,000. More Batman toys, t-shirts, lunchboxes, action figures, collectible items and likenesses enjoy healthy sales figures around the globe and is currently the world's fourth most recognized icon (following the Swastika, the Superman Logo and the Coca Cola symbol).

A Hero's Journey

Batman represents the ultimate hero. Focused, sharp, articulate, devilishly handsome, über educated, tech savvy, unwavering when the going gets tough, looks out for those who can't protect themselves and works tirelessly to stay physically fit. Come on parents, isn't that the role model you want for your family–for yourselves? I certainly do. No powers from atomic bombs, no technology-drenched armor (although that one's debatable) and no mutant powers, Batman embodies what it means to be human. To overcome bitter, character-busting circumstances and become a beacon of hope and admiration to us all. If that's not a hero and a role model, then I don't know what is.

Sure, he's not real–but if we get another 75 years of that kind of narrative, well, that would be just fine by me.

P.S. – Don't believe Batman inspires people to do great things? Watch this YouTube clip.

Pickup trucks may soon play nicer!

Three Reasons Pick-Ups May Soon NOT Be Public Enemy No.1

Anyone who has read this blog for a while knows of my issues with pick-up trucks. The drivers (particularly of the larger or older ones) drive like bullies. They cut you off, drive up on you with their higher-than-other hi–beams blinding you, they're a blight on our environment getting commonly 14-17 mpg while spewing tons of CO2 into our air daily. 

What's worse, for some odd reason, there are no directionals built in to these metallic monsters because I have YET to see even one of them use a turn signal. Ever.

My theory is that the bigger the truck the bigger the jerk driving. Nothing has occurred to prove otherwise. And in case you're wondering, yes I do have friends and family members who drive these vehicles and I will say that–as always–no statement or stereotype is absolute. I will go a step further and say that drivers of smaller (more sensible) pickups tend to drive more like human beings (and not neanderthals) and often actually use pickups as utility vehicles. 

Hooray for progress!

Recent developments in technology (and public opinion) look to make Pickups more a part of 21st century civilization. Here are some reasons I hold hope for the future of pickups: 

• 1. Pickups gettin' fancy. As more people buy pickups as SUV alternatives, they tend to want to take care of them more. Especially those with families who are apt to to drive with more responsibility then gruff, mean worker-men.
• 2. Fossil fuel will make them dinosaurs. Ironic that the gas guzzlers will become extinct because as fuel costs rise, the tolerances for high fuel consumption drops. Dramatically.
• 3. A kinder, gentler pickup. Ford recently announced they intend to build their new F-150 Series pickup with a lighter metal. Replacing 1,000  lbs of Steel with 700 lbs of Aluminum. This means lighter trucks not destined to total smaller cars. Especially if the truck is just as susceptible to damage as other vehicles.

One day soon, pickup drivers may drive with the same sense of community the rest of us do. Heck, I'd be happier with a 10% drop in sudden lane changes by pickups. See? I'm willing to take baby steps. How about you, pickup nation? 

My Random 2013 Rewind

It’s that time again already, True Believers – for a tally of 14 random thoughts about some memorable 2013 moments. Presenting 13 things we all lived through in 2013, filtered through the eyes of those of us in the corner.

Boston Marathon Bombing – My beloved home town was rocked in April when a series of explosions made a time-honored tradition a living nightmare. Dozens of fatalities and injuries befell the tightly packed crowd of fans and onlookers. Though Police shot and killed one suspect and have the other in custody, the most famous and sought-after marathon outside of the Olympics has been changed forever. Stay strong, Boston. 

Paula Dean – The famous Southern Chef got a good padlin’ when her show was dropped by The Food Network and several sponsors for the flagrant use of racial slurs and bigoted commentary. While I do appreciate this 'Duchess of Desserts' for being honest in her confession, c'mon Ms. Dean, look around–the world has grown up, maybe you should, too. "Geez, Toto, we're not in 1955 anymore." Someone please share this with Paula, more butter, less N-word. 

Nelson Mandela – Look up the definitions for bravery, dignity or class, and you'll find this man. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison for a cause he was willing to die for—the undeniable rights for all people in his native South Africa defying the racial tyranny of Apartheid. Upon his release, he was elected the new President of his country. So what did he do at his inauguration? He invited the former head of Apartheid to his inaugural ceremony. Class act. R.I.P.

The Launch of Healthcare.gov ('Obamacare') – I will sidestep the politics of this issue and simply say that millions of Americans now have access to affordable health care that never had it before. That is an achievement of human decency on a level that'll NEVER be fully embraced or comprehended. Like anything new, the web site and and electronic enrollment didn't work but there are, today, millions of men, women and children who sleep soundly knowing they are covered.

Jodi Arias – When you are hopelessly, madly in love with someone and they reject you, what should you do? If your answer is to murder them, violently, then your name is Jodi Arias. In a modern day, real-life fatal attraction, the psychotic Jodi brutally butchers her former lover and goes on trial to become national news. A sad and twisted news item that will haunt us all and reminds us to be vigilant of everyone in our world, even those we love. 

Twerking – This one couldn’t go away fast enough. Ladies, here’s an idea; let’s fight for gender equality for more than 2,000 years and when we get close to said equality, let’s develop demeaning, unflattering and just plain vulgar dances that undermines all those efforts. After all, we always liked the way you looked anyway. I mean why go for brain when you got back? Honestly, it would be okay if this just suddenly... stopped.

Selfies – Let’s take two of the greatest inventions in the history of mankind; the telephone and the camera. Then merge them and take endless photos of ourselves–particularly in mirrors–and post them to Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. I don't know if I can think of a more useless, uninspired and utterly wasteful use of technology than what is personified in a selfie. Please pay no attention to the fact that I am typing this in front my bathroom mirror... ready? (click!) 

Government Shutdown – The gridlocked stalemate between the two major political parties caused the federal government to shut down–unnecessarily–for several weeks this past fall. Resulting in the NEEDLESS temporary suspension of the wages to millions of gov’t workers, the closing of parks, the mailing of federal benefits to scores of retirees and veterans, even endangering foreign policy by threatening a default on loan payments to foreign countries. (Sigh)

Ariel Castro  – After pleading guilty to kidnapping several young women and repeatedly rapping and torturing them for more than a decade, this convicted and sick-minded bus-driver-turned-sick-o pleads guilty of all his crimes, then kills himself days afterward. Those poor women will be traumatized for lives. Let’s just agree that this guy’s passing is not one for the ‘loss’ column. 

The Domination Of Streaming Entertainment – By the year 2020 which of the following will be completely obsolete? A.) DVDs B.) Blu–Ray Players C.) Cable TV or D.) All of the above. Yup, it’s ‘D’. Just think of how often you (likely) hear people catching something on YouTube, HULU, Crackle or NetFlix? While you may need to wait for the credit role on that one, one thing's for certain, streaming entertainment is here to stay.

Drones – Okay, none of us has our eye on this ball. We all have heard of how drones–pilotless aircraft controlled from far away–can conduct everything from humanitarian supply airdrops, to in-air refueling to spying to missile strikes on 'suspected' terrorists. Now even Google has committed to deploying drones to deliver packages to front doors, offices and housing communities everywhere with remote-controlled pre-programmed flying machines. Skynet anyone?

XBOX One vs The PS4 – Just when I was feeling confident about the state of gaming technology, here come new consoles! Well sort of. In a slightly baffling move by the gaming giants at SONY and Microsoft, new "next gen" systems were launched over the 2013 holiday season with really NO new games that anyone wanted and new shoulder shrug technologies. This has to be the biggest "meh" response to two gaming console launches... EVER.

The Climate – Okay, for some crazy reason this has become a political issue, which is the one polarizing topic I won't fully commit to on this blog. That said, worst-ever storms, earthquakes, hurricanes, Tsunamis, flash floods record snowfalls and blistering heat records and melting ice caps all point to the fact that something is going on with our world. There's a reason world leaders get together (G8 Summit) and talk about ways NOT to frak up our planet further. 

Kimye – The Dynamic Duo Of Dysfunction have been quite busy this past year. They made a video, a baby and every headline in every pulp magazine, periodical and TMZ-esque show worldwide. By the way, if your last name is 'West', don't name your kid 'North.' What's wrong with 'Adam'? And Kim, you're a Mom now, act like it, please. These two are the definition of a train wreck; you hate to watch but you I just can't look away.

Well, that should just about wrap up 2013 everyone. Keep tuning in as I'm sure we can spend another glorious year viewing everything from the corner. Dunce caps on... and... begin!

Rhymes With Lame*

Justin Bieber has gone off the deep end. The one-boy-band has launched a new album called Believe (that's for those NOT keeping score. I wasn't.). Now, I rarely point out the inequities of the super rich and/or famous because–at least in the confines of this blog–they don't weigh-in to my world. But that is about to change. I am appalled, disgusted and and mostly disappointed at the behavior and action of a young man who has grown up in front of us all. A guy whose destructive actions and horrific choices are damn near criminal. 

Oh sure, I know how the story goes. Young man, privileged with opportunity and excess without the wisdom or maturity—or moral compass—to navigate such things, becomes a victim of his own success. A bright star that inevitably burns out because the excess and absence of boundaries lead him down a self-destructive path that downward spirals into an endless abyss.

However, while we're on the "poor baby" pity party (maybe for Justin its 'poor baby-baby-baby—Ohh), we can keep a few things in mind while we are presiding over a verdict over this guy in the court of public opinion:

• Justin is a vandal. In a recent excursion to Australia, JB decided to "Party Hard' in a plush hotel by tagging (spray-painting for the folks following at home), destroying hotel property and being a general nuisance to the other guests with him and his entourage. Way to go.

• Justin is a bully. Recently, 'Biebs' spit off a balcony into crowd of adoring young fans. As if that wasn't enough, in a separate incident, he also urinated from the balcony of a hotel room, also onto a crowd of fans. Last time I looked, spitting on someone and peeing on them are the actions of a coward.

• Justin is immoral. While in many circles (and counties) sleeping with hookers isn't the worst thing you can do, in most places it is illegal and contributes to to suppression of women's dignity. Sure what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business. However, let's remember his key demographic is teen girls aged 11–17. So the message there is... to get with Justin, you gotta be a hooker. Nice.

• Justin is abusive. A short time ago, the Bling-boy was at a resort where he came across four young girls sunning themselves–again, a prime fan candidate–and proceed to single one girl out for her weight, remarking how she was a 'beached whale' and such. Really Justin? Did your overpaid posse of bodyguards give you that extra incentive to let this little girl know how you really felt?

• Justin is Gordon Gecko. Much like Michael Douglas' classic 'money-over-everyone' super evil money man in the classic 80's excess film Wall Street, the Biebs is an unstoppable financial juggernaut. He earned just over $108 million in the last two years, making him pretty dang rich–and ruthlessly callous. Look, I know being wealthy isn't a crime, being a prick with endless pockets is pretty bad by any measure, though. 

Justin is on a one-way ticket to crash-and-burn-ville. He doesn't have a filter, a barometer of compassion or a sense of morality. I'm hugely disappointed in him because I thought he would be a better man than he's become. He has lost the respect of adults everywhere and his fans are bleeding away in droves. 

A simple closing thought to you Justin as we close out 2013. Want us to believe? Stop being such a tool and give us something to believe in. 

*Shame. Shame rhymes with Lame... 

Shush! I wasn't done.

Today's world is so ready to talk—and so ill-equipped to listen—miscommunication is at an all-time high. 

Every high school, college and HR Department should offer a once-a-year course in communication skills training, No one should be exempt from this one. It's stunning to me to encounter the sheer number of people who don't know how to properly communicate. Here's what I mean. Here's your basic conversational dynamic; you speak, I listen. Then, I speak, YOU listen. Simple right? Wrong. No one can seem to do this. No ONE. Not in 7.1 Billion souls on Earth can a single one of us seem to get this right. 

And it's getting worse. 

Not a day goes by when in my teenager-ridden home that at least half of them are talking at once. Let me repeat that. At least two of the four people in the room are talking at the same time, often at full volume (i.e., shouting). 

On Immigrants and Nukes and Shouting Real Loud

Recently, President Obama was speaking about new landmark developments concerning some spectacular policy changes in our county's relationship with Iran. Then, without provocation, several young people in the crowd start shouting—at The President of The United States!—about immigration policy reform. 

Are you kidding me? This is the leader of the free world you dope! Stop talking and let the man speak! He will get to your topic right after he shares how we might be able to avoid World War III by bringing Iran to the table to discuss nuclear disarmament. Kind of sounds important doesn't it? The hecklers would have thought so too if they had taken a moment to shut their mouths, open their ears and listen. 

In all fairness, the president handled himself in a cool and commanding manner, while reminding the hecklers that, "What I'm proposing is the harder path, which is using our democratic process" Obama reminds the passionate, yelling young man,"It won't be as easy as shouting, it requires using our laws to get things done." You can see the exchange, here.

The hecklers would have known this if they had simply LISTENED in their American history class, they would have known the office of the President is NOT a king, that laws are tradition of our democratic process and that means people discussing and voting on said laws to bring about change.

The Lost Art Of Listening 

So if the President can't get a word in on foreign policy, what hope does my living room have? What chance do co-workers have in the free exchange of ideas and concepts if two or more are talking at once? Or worse, when someone is railroading someone else in a conversation (this is when someone is speaking and another party begins speaking right over them before they are finished making their point). 

As I understand things, the exchange of ideas means only one person speaks while one or more listen. I learned that from the Baby-Boomers, the generations that lived through the depression, the American Dust Bowl tragedy of the 1930's and a couple World Wars. Not only do they know how to listen, I would argue they have a thing or two worth hearing, seeing as they have lived through nuclear scares, the overhaul of civil rights and horrific wars coupled with spell-binding social change. 

Children speak over each other, adults bulldoze conversations and even the President of the United States can't seem to get a word in edgewise. We may all be doomed to the horrible consequences of our inability to listen. 

The world, the very Earth itself is crying out for us to change our ways. If we raise generations that only speak and don't listen how will they know not to repeat the same mistakes of previous generations? The world seems to be the same powder keg as it always has been but fewer and fewer people are paying any attention because everyone is talking.

So I pose this question if everyone is speaking at once—in the room, in the country, in the world—then,  who's listening? 

Cats For Cash

Attention entrepreneurs! I celebrate my 100th post with a golden opportunity to give a poor defenseless, abandoned stray cat a new home–while making some mad cash to boot! 

I've lived in big cities my entire adult life. Everywhere I've lived has had a healthy supply of stray cats in almost every neighborhood. Now, I need to go down on record and say that I am VERY far from a cat lover, but my personal sense of humanity and my own nurturing nature says no animal should have to 'rough it' in a man-made environment. 

So as a potential solution, I propose the following 'Cats For Cash' initiative. Hear me out before you go all ASPCA on my backside. 

Cats are coy, lovable furry little pests… I mean pets, that cuddle on demand, fetch, roll-over, wag their tail when you pet 'em, hop around when you come home and.. oh wait, those are called dogs. Well, I'm sure cats do useful and lovable stuff, too, like scratch up your furniture, pee on your stuff–so you have to throw it out–and make you sneeze uncontrollably. 

Anyway you look at these fun-fueled hairballs, they deserve a home. Here's what I suggest:

STEP 1: Find a cat. Dip your head into any city alleyway and you're sure to find a treasure trove of homeless felines of every make, model, color and grade of aloofness. Pick your candidate and proceed to…

STEP 2: Say cheese! Take a pic of your new home-needy hair factory. Try innovative and lovable poses (example: getting into trouble with the laundry is always an attention grabber!). Pick 3-6 of your favorite pics and then you're ready to… 

STEP 3: Create your Craigslist Cat-for-sale post! Come up with an adorable name like Muffins, Uncle Cuddle-bottoms, Mr. Mittens or one of my favorites, 'Bob' (wait for it…). Once your faux feline friend has a name it's time to create your fun back story! Popular options are; you have to move to a country where cats are not welcome or you've lost everything and have to downsize and can't keep him/her/it. You pick the tale, then weave your storytelling magic. Next…

STEP 4: Cha-ching! Posting to Instagram or Craigslist is best! Ask for a modest–but believable fee–"$250 obo" for your little schnook-ums. When meeting the new pet owner, remind them that their new pet loves long walks, 'Frisky-Fiesta' brand canned cat food (sure it's pricier but hey, the li'l feller's had a hard life, let him live a little) and that their shot record is not up-to-date (after all you don't want to LIE). 

BONUS! This is also a great opportunity to clean out the closet. Old shoes, torn socks, grimy old soft toys and stuffed animals long-past their prime can have new life dropped off with your little bundle of departing joy. Just tell the new owner Captain Cuddles can't go a day without 'ball-ball'. 

STEP 5: Rinse and repeat. Now, the drawback (aside from this being horribly immoral and potentially illegal) is the fact that once you successfully complete this transaction, you may have to go undercover, wear a disguise, change your name, get a new phone number etc. 

But hey, just think of all that cash! 

The Bottom Line: This post is purely a matter of comedy. If you're seriously thinking that scooping up stray cats and peddling them to unsuspecting single ladies online is okay, well, you are far from being (ahem!) the 'Cat's Meow.'

Why even go?

This must be what it's like to get old(er). TV commercials seem sillier and sillier as they obviously appeal to an ever-increasingly immature mindset. I'm reminded of a recent ad I watched featuring four clearly NOT athletic looking young men (one particularly obese) jump from scenario to action-packed scenario shooting unseen enemies and blowing up soviet helicopters with shoulder-mounted RPGs. 

In Las Vegas, no less. You know, where MANY soviet attack helicopters often terrorize people on a regular basis. 

One scene even has these bozos shooting automatic rifles at, again, unseen adversaries in orbit wearing space suits (spoiler alert! machine guns don't work in zero gravity). Soon the video game that sponsors this mini excursion into insanity flashes its Ritalin-deprived message of 'buy now!' All three of my teenage boys shout "yes" and pump fists into the air and high-five one another. Really?  

But I digress. 

As if to amplify my current state of cultural malaise, I remember a recent experience at my local cineplex. At the screening, three burly (and I'm being kind) middle-aged dudes spent the entire 15-minute trailer segment before the start f the film  telling each other–in regular voices–which movies they thought were 'dumb', 'stupid' or 'awesome'. Who does that? You know we can hear you, right? Thankfully, these three rotund connoisseurs of film avant garde simmered down by show time. 

Then the characters in the audience really show their colors. 

Half-way through the movie another mid-40's fellow movie-goer decided it was time to eat some cellophane-packed sugary treats that took what seemed like a week to open and pound through. The entire process was louder than the movie. How? How is it he doesn't think the rest of us can't hear this, let alone won't mind? 

Then there is the uh… 'portly' gentleman, who comes in late, sits in the front row and immediately falls asleep—snoring at full volume. Mind you, this is a 10 am film on a Sunday morning. We've all nodded off during a flick in our time, but wow. If you were that tired, maybe sitting in a dark room with comfy seats with a room full of strangers isn't the best game-plan for the morning. Why did he even leave home? Why did either this guy or his sweet-toothed, sugar-addicted co-movie-ruiner even come? 

Then I remember even more infractions. People, mostly women (sorry ladies)  who sit at half-court at NBA games texting and not even watching the event. Watch ANY NBA game for more than 6 minutes… you'll see them. Or concert goers who sit while everyone else stands, seemingly bored to tears. I've even been to school plays where parents are so busy texting and chatting they miss their own kid's performance. 

We have become so distracted, so overcome with the need to be stimulated, we can't even enjoy events MEANT to stimulate and entertain us. To me it's like going to a museum just to buy a pack a gum at the gift shop. Why even go? 

I'd love to hear other instances of distracted indifference, but I would imagine none of my readers ever make it this far into the blog.  Probably got some tweets to read or something. 

Nuff' said. Heading back to the corner…