You Have No Excuses

Our world is ever-changing. Always has been. And the amount of information and content has exploded to unimaginable levels. Now there's Google, and a host of other browsers, that put the entirety of human history at your fingertips. Do you know what that means? There’s no excuse not to be at least semi-informed. About anything.

Ever. 

I guess thats why when my children–all in High School right now–have poor grades or simply don’t have any clue or knowledge off current events, world history, art, events, movies, TV shows–even your own bank account–is available at just a few clicks of the button. 

So how is it all my kids struggle in school? You have all the answers in front of you, as close as any monitor. Why do 26% of American adults think the Sun revolves around the Earth? WTH? News flash you ding dongs, the moon isn’t really made of cheese, thats just a cartoon. 

Anything you could possibly need to know is an answer you could get inside of three minutes. So, as I stated in the title of this post, there are no excuses for this level of disregard for knowledge. 

No excuse not to know basic info. 

No excuse not to be (vaguely) informed. 

No excuse not to understand rudimentary language, thoughts and concepts.

Here’s a secret this artistic gamer Dad will share with you. Information is like all other things, it doesn’t always have to be “fun” – but it is necessary, Like paying bills, taxes or having dental work done. You just accept it for the necessity that it is. And its a whole lot less painful than those other things. Heck, it can even help you. 

I used to believe people were capable of great things. Now I'm not so sure. True that great things are still being done out there but there seem to be more dummies than ever. And I don’t understand why.  Are we too lazy? Too preoccupied or do we just not care any more? The scary answer is its probably a little of all of the above. 

Come on folks, a little knowledge isn’t Kryptonite. Its power. Use it. There's no excuse.

Five Signs that the Zombie Apocalypse has begun

Unless you’ve been living in a cave or a deserted island over the last 15 years, you know Zombies are big. The story of the dead rising to plague the living is the stuff of nightmares. Since George R. Romero’s Night of the living dead, the 1968 horror cult classic that depicts waves of ‘undead’ terrorizing a small town of clueless townsfolk, have kept us on edge and wondering when this all begs for decades. The pulse-less fiends are in search of one thing and one thing only; brains. These mindless ghouls have infiltrated our movies, books, video games and TV shows. But it’s all just make believe right? 

Wrong.

Here is a verifiable list both factual, and op-ed, that reveal 5 indicators that confirm the Zombie apocalypse is heading to a hometown near you:

1. Brainlessness is alive and well As the numbers of texting-while-driving fatalities rise all over the world, Teen Mom shows see ratings explosions in a culture that reveres a lack of accomplishment as a badge of honor. Texting while driving? Phhhfftt! Amateurs. Why not paint oil paintings, watch TV, make a sandwich or even take a nap while driving on the freeway. 

2. People are trying to eat other (literally) Real life news events such as a Florida homeless man being attacked by a guy literally trying to eat his arm, or the man in Texas who was killed by his roommate and partially eaten. ‘What the hell is going on’ you say? Your answer is two words that rhyme with Flomie Scholopolypse. 

3. Zombie and post apocalyptic story lines are more popular than ever. The walking dead is by far the most popular and talked about TV show. If you aren’t watching well, again… cave dwell much? Show like The Ship show a world where mankind’s downfall is at the hands of a killer infection. Television programing aside, movies like I am Legend, Resident Evil, World War Z, 28 Days Later and even the new Dawn of The Planet of the Apes all portray a world where some infectious disease wipes out most human life and civilization as we know it. 

4. The US Government has a real-life contingency for a “Zombie Outbreak” It’s true. The United States military has to draw up plans for every potential threat to the eel-being and sovereignty of the United States. The department of homeland security has a zombie outbreak contingency in the works in case the population balance between the living and the dead walking around main street dramatically shifts. 

5. Common sense and general knowledge is at an all-time low. Don’t take my word for it, look at non-paid general access television. Have you counted the number of brainless, no-value-tomorrow programs there are on the big four networks? We elevate racist and misogynistic idiots to star status (Kim Khardasian, Honey Boo-Boo, Duck Dynasty I’m glaring at you), and we wonder why kids today can’t identify more than 4 countries on a world map or can’t spell worth a damn or don’t even know how many World Wars the world has endured. The dumbos are multiplying and their brainlessness is spreading. Like an infection. 

Yep, pretty sure my brain will be top of the menu on Zombie’s top sought-after yummiest brains. We are so screwed. 

I figured it out!

To anyone who knows me, you know I am a huge movie buff. Yes I do co-write an amateur (but fast gaining readership) sci-fi review blog called the Boxed Office. While I'm usually a general lover of cinema; from foreign films to the occasional Rom Com (Romantic Comedies) to documentaries, I enjoy my projected-light story time. And if you know that you also know that I have had it up to here with the movie-going scene. While I absolutely LIVE for the big screen experience, I absolutely LOATHE being in theaters with people who talk, text and generally act like inconsiderate butt-heads once the lights go out. 

Gone are the days when moviegoers were courteous to others and would just STFU when the movie (or trailers) began. Ushers even used to walk the isles to remind all the disorderly dimwits the show is about to begin and it's time to shut your pie-hole. What’s worse, is the reality of pulling out phones and texting, talking or (gulp!) even gaming during the film. Who the hell ARE you people?

It was about a week ago when the answer to this quandary suddenly occurred to me. 

Generally, I am NOT a violent guy. Few things are worth getting in someone’s face over but really, I paid my admission fee, so I’m entitled to enjoy the movie–preferably without having to hear the BS details of of the so-called lives of inconsiderate rubes. Yeah that’s right I said it. I’ll say it again. Rubes.

Four easy words are the solution to decades of frustration for millions of people who only want to go and watch a movie in peace—and it makes the movie-watching experience that much better to boot. Are you ready? 

Pump up the volume. 

I’ve witnessed it firsthand. When the volume goes up, the shenanigans get drowned out. When the volume is high, the ding-dongs can’t think. They don’t pull out their phones, they don’t comment or talk and I don’t have to hear them hork-down their crunchy salty over-priced buttery snacks. It’s downright magical. So, Hollywood, here’s my proposal: 

Don’t fight these fools. They have no manners and no common sense. Just drown them out. No one will complain that the volume is too loud. No one. If a few little old ladies in Tulucca Lake bitch to the manager, you can tell them about the master plan and give them a free extra-small popcorn (a $13 value!). Everyone wins. No one will get into fights, get shot or beaten up over rude behavior or have to suffer through some idiot’s critique of every trailer and major plot development. Since you won’t ask your ushers and staff to tell the troglodytes to knock it off, the least you can do is to do me the common courtesy of helping me to enjoy the film. After all, its at least the pretense to why I'm there in the first place. Better yet, it won't cost you a dime.

Make it so. 

Why even go?

This must be what it's like to get old(er). TV commercials seem sillier and sillier as they obviously appeal to an ever-increasingly immature mindset. I'm reminded of a recent ad I watched featuring four clearly NOT athletic looking young men (one particularly obese) jump from scenario to action-packed scenario shooting unseen enemies and blowing up soviet helicopters with shoulder-mounted RPGs. 

In Las Vegas, no less. You know, where MANY soviet attack helicopters often terrorize people on a regular basis. 

One scene even has these bozos shooting automatic rifles at, again, unseen adversaries in orbit wearing space suits (spoiler alert! machine guns don't work in zero gravity). Soon the video game that sponsors this mini excursion into insanity flashes its Ritalin-deprived message of 'buy now!' All three of my teenage boys shout "yes" and pump fists into the air and high-five one another. Really?  

But I digress. 

As if to amplify my current state of cultural malaise, I remember a recent experience at my local cineplex. At the screening, three burly (and I'm being kind) middle-aged dudes spent the entire 15-minute trailer segment before the start f the film  telling each other–in regular voices–which movies they thought were 'dumb', 'stupid' or 'awesome'. Who does that? You know we can hear you, right? Thankfully, these three rotund connoisseurs of film avant garde simmered down by show time. 

Then the characters in the audience really show their colors. 

Half-way through the movie another mid-40's fellow movie-goer decided it was time to eat some cellophane-packed sugary treats that took what seemed like a week to open and pound through. The entire process was louder than the movie. How? How is it he doesn't think the rest of us can't hear this, let alone won't mind? 

Then there is the uh… 'portly' gentleman, who comes in late, sits in the front row and immediately falls asleep—snoring at full volume. Mind you, this is a 10 am film on a Sunday morning. We've all nodded off during a flick in our time, but wow. If you were that tired, maybe sitting in a dark room with comfy seats with a room full of strangers isn't the best game-plan for the morning. Why did he even leave home? Why did either this guy or his sweet-toothed, sugar-addicted co-movie-ruiner even come? 

Then I remember even more infractions. People, mostly women (sorry ladies)  who sit at half-court at NBA games texting and not even watching the event. Watch ANY NBA game for more than 6 minutes… you'll see them. Or concert goers who sit while everyone else stands, seemingly bored to tears. I've even been to school plays where parents are so busy texting and chatting they miss their own kid's performance. 

We have become so distracted, so overcome with the need to be stimulated, we can't even enjoy events MEANT to stimulate and entertain us. To me it's like going to a museum just to buy a pack a gum at the gift shop. Why even go? 

I'd love to hear other instances of distracted indifference, but I would imagine none of my readers ever make it this far into the blog.  Probably got some tweets to read or something. 

Nuff' said. Heading back to the corner… 

The Prose of Cons

Ominous words from my teenage daughter
gives this geek-Dad pause.

The setting: Phoenix Comicon 2013, Phoenix, Arizona. My now annual visit to the fusion of cosplay, comics and chaos that is Comicon was in full sway. I make every effort o insure each of the imperial prodigy (my children namely) get to visit on a "sidekick pass" every year. On a Sunday afternoon, sharing the main hall with roughly 30,000 other local Geek-culture aficionados, my daughter turned to me and says "you did this to us." I was stunned. "What do you mean sweetheart?" I ask.

"You made us like this stuff," she replied. She was being glib but still, my response was a clear, resounding "you're welcome." 

Hey kid, all I did was expose you to a world where your imagination is encouraged to roam free, a forum where any story you connect with–or have in you–can be shown the love and nurturing all creative pursuits need to thrive. 

Comicon is one of the truest expressions of love I have ever come across. Everyone who attends is there to have a good time, free of the ridicule that often comes from "normal people" when we are expressing love for something to we connect with or doing something we care passionately for–like ready, writing or drawing comic books, graphic novels, building replicas of fictional vessels, video games, TV shows and movies. 

It's Woodstock for geeks. I have seen many of the great Cons; New York Comicon, Boston (my hometown), Phoenix, AZ Comicon (yes they're different) and of course, the coveted San Diego Comicon. 

At age 45, I am a lifelong fan-boy. I will be gaming in my 70's. Writing, reading and drawing comics until my last moments. The stories, the art the wonder of watching the normal become the fantastic–it's the kind of appreciation I can only begin to describe. 

My favorite scene; a newswoman from a local Phoenix TV news group was there to 'cover the freak show' (not their words but you know that's what she was thinking). This corporately professional reporter, say late 20's,  was in standard professional attire; skirt, heels, blouse, modest make-up and attractive hairstyle. The person she was interviewing? A 6-foot warrior-woman, 18" blonde mowhawk with pink tips, a bustier made of faux battle armor (a 'breast-plate' if you will), a shield, arm-bands, gauges and a gold bikini bottom with a sword and gold combat boots. 

The look on the newsgirl's face was priceless. Her life clearly gave her NO frame of reference for embracing or processing what this woman in front of her represented. I couldn't help but smile.

So to my daughter I say, you're welcome. I've exposed you to at least one place that is practically void of ridicule and loaded with people as passionate as your Dad–and perhaps, one day–you will be, too. 

And in doing so, you will never be alone. 

Shouting at The Shouting Box

With it's bright lights, colors and amazing sounds, television and the internet
DEMAND a response from us all. It's just NOT the one we think. 

Ever catch yourself talking back to the television? Or screaming at your laptop while watching HULU or NetFlix? It's okay to admit it, dear reader, we all do it. I don't mean slinging a few profanities at the icy black box over a bad call during the game (c'mon, I'm not crazy, those lousy refs need to hear what I've got to say!).

No, I mean discussing a TV show, movie or even podcast development during a show WITH the television. The box shouts at us–so of course, we need to have an appropriate response. We need to let this smooth plastic container of wires and switches know what we think and what we feel, you know, to show 'em whose boss! 

So for your consideration, I have identified the five most common faces of a TV Responder:

1. The Skeptic – It's 2 a.m. and every acne cream, revolutionary kitchen aid, male enhancement pill and life-changing cleaning product is making it's pitch to you. Better belittle them and put them in their place with retorts like "pfft! no way...", "that's stupid!" or "yeah right". Show 'em who's in charge right before you dial in your credit card number to purchase that Snuggie. Now you're comfy AND you let them know how you feel. You sure showed them!
2. The Infomercial Critic – Remember the days when infomercials were targeted only to poor decision making insomniacs. Now these things are on before the game, in between movies and are even aired in prime time slots. These advertisers and products must be kept in check by your endless input and validation. You MUST let these 10-in-1 cooking systems know your every thought. Even though they don't respond, they are hanging on every word you mutter.  
   
3. The Movie Trailer Watchologist – Movie trailers are like any other form of mass communication; they are built to appeal to as wide an audience as possible and get you to say the magic words "Oh, I want to see that!" Some trailers don't grab us and that's when we feel compelled to share our advanced critique of the film; "That looks dumb–I wouldn't waste my money on that stupid movie!" This is going to shock a lot of you... no one cares. Your impromptu opinion on a movie no one asked you for an opinion on is about as useful as shoes with no laces. (And if you're thinking, "Oh, well what about flip-flops?" then you're an ass, who's chosen to miss the bigger point. Congrats!)
4. The Opinionator – A Watchologist can quickly morph into an Opionionator, this person is a sudden expert on things they have no connectivity with (the shorthand is an adult with no kids commenting on the value of a children's movie). As an Opinionator, you have an unfounded (and unwelcome) opinion over all you survey. Which often, sadly, is quite a bit.  Favorite catch phrase; "That's dumb..."
5. The Realist – "Reality TV" is here to stay. Whether you want to watch amateur singers  win big during 'fair' judging by washed up or wanna-be celebrities who try and blaze come-backs or watch "real" housewives play 'clash of the personalities', the only thing the "actors" on these shows have in common with you is that you both are obsessed with their favorite topic—themselves. 

No matter which type of mass-media responder you are, it's important to remember that television transmissions and streaming videos from the Internet need to hear what you have to say. How else would they know what to show you? 

I mean, of course your critically important opinion matters–otherwise, shouting at or talking to an inanimate, non-living, non-responding device would just be kind of... crazy.

Shut that kid up!

You know the annoying kid that won't stop running his mouth during the movie? He's a real nuisance–and he's learned from the best.

"Why are they kissing?! Ewww–! Gross!"

WARNING! This rant is focused on the inexcusable behavior of parents who bring toddlers and preschoolers to movies that are inappropriate for their age group. If you are one of these parents and you don't want to hear what a crappy parent you are–please avoid this rant.

By show of hands, who here has been in a movie theater in the last six months to see a movie–meant for adults!–where some toddler is running his or her mouth asking "who's she?" or "Why did he do that?!" or laughs inappropriately too loud at events they don't even understand? If you raised your hand, then you have been the victim of social troglodytes who think none of us will notice a two-year old is watching a Rated PG13 or Rated R movie.

And they need to stand trial for their crimes against humanity.

Yes it is a free country and yes there is NOTHING keeping me in my seat when there is an annoying audience member who somehow has missed the general cues of  common behavioral etiquette. But I did not pay a $8-to-$11 single ticket price to hear your kid's inquisition of why each person on-screen is "not being nice" as they shotgun their way through a horde of zombies and/or aliens. 

"I don't like Emma Thompson–!"

Recently, a 21-year-old man was put up on felony charges for smacking the ever-loving popcorn out of the mouth of an obnoxious kid (age not disclosed) who was running his mouth, throwing popcorn and being generally unruly. You can read more here. Now I am NOT condoning hauling off and whacking some random pre-teen blabbermouth. That's not cool on every level. But deep down... way deep... we can all relate to how that guy felt.

As a parent, I'm compelled to offer three notable points to qualify my thoughts here. First, I disqualify any PG or made-for-kids flick. Anything with brightly colored characters, talking animals or inanimate objects–like cars or teapots–that have faces, are exempt. These movies are made for them. Second, while my children are all adolescents or teenagers now, I know kids can get chatty during a movie. Lastly, I fully understand that this is NOT the child's fault. Their dim-witted genetic sires thought none of us would mind if little Susie or tiny Timmy would share their thoughts on the film's finer points throughout the entire show.

"Why do they charge so much
for popcorn momma?!"

Be advised it does NO GOOD to confront these sub-human ingrates directly. They will argue with you, often right in the theater, and further disrupt the experience. You can opt to go tell one of the pimply-faced future brain-surgeons who are masquerading as ushers, but they tend to only grunt and point  toward the manager's station anyway.

The only way to get really back at these noise-makers is to hold the theater accountable, and that means putting on an unhappy face and marching ourselves, en mass, to the supervisor or manager's station and demanding a refund for the unacceptable environment created by these little prepubescent chatterboxes. It sucks of course, because the movie theater folks had nothing to do with it. But it is their job to police the audience  and keep the experiential damage caused by mouthy people to a minimum.

When we make the experience unpleasant for the movie workers, they will in-turn, make the prattling tyke in row six button his lip or even inspire their brain-deadened parents to re-consider being there in the first place. After all, there is always NetFlix. 

Let's face it, your three year old doesn't need to see a guy unload a full-Uzi clip into a crowded street trying to nail a bad guy and have 6,000 bullets miraculously miss every bystander for four blocks. Isn't it bad enough your kid's being read stories about bears eating porridge and dishes and spoons eloping?