Cats For Cash

Attention entrepreneurs! I celebrate my 100th post with a golden opportunity to give a poor defenseless, abandoned stray cat a new home–while making some mad cash to boot! 

I've lived in big cities my entire adult life. Everywhere I've lived has had a healthy supply of stray cats in almost every neighborhood. Now, I need to go down on record and say that I am VERY far from a cat lover, but my personal sense of humanity and my own nurturing nature says no animal should have to 'rough it' in a man-made environment. 

So as a potential solution, I propose the following 'Cats For Cash' initiative. Hear me out before you go all ASPCA on my backside. 

Cats are coy, lovable furry little pests… I mean pets, that cuddle on demand, fetch, roll-over, wag their tail when you pet 'em, hop around when you come home and.. oh wait, those are called dogs. Well, I'm sure cats do useful and lovable stuff, too, like scratch up your furniture, pee on your stuff–so you have to throw it out–and make you sneeze uncontrollably. 

Anyway you look at these fun-fueled hairballs, they deserve a home. Here's what I suggest:

STEP 1: Find a cat. Dip your head into any city alleyway and you're sure to find a treasure trove of homeless felines of every make, model, color and grade of aloofness. Pick your candidate and proceed to…

STEP 2: Say cheese! Take a pic of your new home-needy hair factory. Try innovative and lovable poses (example: getting into trouble with the laundry is always an attention grabber!). Pick 3-6 of your favorite pics and then you're ready to… 

STEP 3: Create your Craigslist Cat-for-sale post! Come up with an adorable name like Muffins, Uncle Cuddle-bottoms, Mr. Mittens or one of my favorites, 'Bob' (wait for it…). Once your faux feline friend has a name it's time to create your fun back story! Popular options are; you have to move to a country where cats are not welcome or you've lost everything and have to downsize and can't keep him/her/it. You pick the tale, then weave your storytelling magic. Next…

STEP 4: Cha-ching! Posting to Instagram or Craigslist is best! Ask for a modest–but believable fee–"$250 obo" for your little schnook-ums. When meeting the new pet owner, remind them that their new pet loves long walks, 'Frisky-Fiesta' brand canned cat food (sure it's pricier but hey, the li'l feller's had a hard life, let him live a little) and that their shot record is not up-to-date (after all you don't want to LIE). 

BONUS! This is also a great opportunity to clean out the closet. Old shoes, torn socks, grimy old soft toys and stuffed animals long-past their prime can have new life dropped off with your little bundle of departing joy. Just tell the new owner Captain Cuddles can't go a day without 'ball-ball'. 

STEP 5: Rinse and repeat. Now, the drawback (aside from this being horribly immoral and potentially illegal) is the fact that once you successfully complete this transaction, you may have to go undercover, wear a disguise, change your name, get a new phone number etc. 

But hey, just think of all that cash! 

The Bottom Line: This post is purely a matter of comedy. If you're seriously thinking that scooping up stray cats and peddling them to unsuspecting single ladies online is okay, well, you are far from being (ahem!) the 'Cat's Meow.'

So, you're "Gay"

13 year-old son (parading through living room with only underwear on): "Check me out – too sexy!"

17 year-old daughter (fully clothed): "Gross! That's sooo disgusting! Go put on some clothes!" 

13 year old: (laughs)

15 year old: "Dude, that's so gay–!"

This is where I begin to unravel. 

Me: "He's NOT 'Gay' he's naked." (In my attempt to explain that being naked has nothing to do with being Gay)

17 year-old daughter: "Stop being a retard! Go put some clothes on––!!"

Again, I am trying to keep my cool with the blatant misuse of derogatory labels. 
Me: "He's NOT a retard, he's naked! Please STOP using that language!" 

Three of my four teens-including the near naked one–look at me as if I filled my pants. I hadn't. 

Me: "Look guys, terms like 'Gay' are descriptions of lifestyle and completely inappropriate for use as an insult."

[Insert pin-drop silence audio here]

Me (again): "Also, the term 'retard' is derogatory and hurtful. You need to be more respectful. Why don't you find better ways to call each other bad things. Or better yet, don't do it at all–!" 

[Nervous snickers…]

Me: "You guys may think you're funny… but I'm not laughing." 

Name calling and bullying are no laughing matter to me. The practice of name calling is insensitive, mean and sprouts from ignorance and pettiness. Obviously there is nothing wrong with being gay and mental retardation is certainly nothing to laugh at. Let alone using the term to belittle or create insults from. 

What is most disturbing is the lack of thought or comprehension affiliated with all this hurtful slang. There isn't enough life experience between any of them to see that what they are saying is wrong in all kinds of ways. 

A strong round of lectures, extra chores and a disapproving air will be a part of my household for sometime over this. We will continue to discuss this topic as a family. It's an important topic and my children need to be FAR more open-minded than this. 

Being Gay isn't a detraction, it's a part of who you are, not some bass-akwards smart-mouthed slang. Something to be celebrated not denigrated over. Figure it out you little snits. Clearly, I have some work to do.

Not a proud parent moment for me at all.  

More Health. Less Care.

Maybe the fix to our health care issues is making good nutrition sound as good as a third helping. 

A good friend of mine–and fellow blogger–recently blogged about health and nutrition and that seemed ironic to me given the fact that; (A) I work for one the world's fastest growing whole body health and nutritional cleanse companies and (B) that I had never blogged on this topic before.

I know what you might be thinking.

'Great, here comes another lecture about health and nutrition.' Rest easy, dear reader, I am far from qualified (or vindicated) to offer health advice to anyone. Most of my life I have been overweight. At 6' 2" I once tipped the scales at 339 lbs (years ago). In all fairness, that was as much a byproduct of stress, allergies and a genetic pre-disposition to gain weight (see Protein-S and Protein-C deficiency). But mostly, it was a fondness for what I like to call "creamy, yummy things." 

Now I won't lecture here (lord knows I do enough of that for my kids) but we all know the run down... eat less, exercise more. Eat more green, eat less brown. I trust a cow over a scientist when it comes to nutrition. As I have learned over the years, seeing time and again... you can be 60 pounds over weight (the classification for obesity is actually 40 lbs or more over your pre-determined weight for height and age). You can lose that 60 lbs by eating properly, getting a decent night's rest and drinking plenty of water.

If you chose to work out, please note that you have to feed your body the proper levels of carbs, fats, minerals and a considerable influx of protein. Protein not only helps you build muscle, but when its the right type and amount, it will help you lose weight. 

The recent collapse of snack food giant Hostess foods was a wake up call for me. No, no not like what you think, I didn't suddenly get healthier because the ding-dong supply has dwindled (as God is my witness, there are still quite a few of THEM in the world) but I realized I haven't eaten one of those god-awful things in, like, forever. What's more, I didn't miss them. I mean there wasn't an ounce of anything remotely resembling food in those things anyway. At best, it was a selection of chemically and scientifically concocted compounds that would fool your system's digestive process.

In America, we thrive on the taste, the gratification of the experience and the near erotic fascination with food–with the use of terms like "sensual", "mouth-watering" and "irresistible", we often sound like we're talking about porn than food. Who doesn't see those ads with a luscious young woman slowly sucking chocolate or chips off her fingers (gulp!) –kids, cover your eyes... oh, to late for my house.

Alright Arthur, get to your point or get to the corner

Okay, so anyway, to me it's evident that to be healthy means to have a healthy relationship with food. You can exercise all you want but if you are undressing that naughty bag of salty carbs with your eyes, you might as well indulge. Otherwise, we all need to re-program how we think about food. It can be tasty, but it is FIRST about sustenance and everything else second.

Putting food in it's place will make our overburdened healthcare system sigh–at east for a moment. And the next time you go for that bag of cookies, force a detour and go for the apple instead. Your heart will appreciate the extra love... and may reward you with the beating of your life.