Cats For Cash

Attention entrepreneurs! I celebrate my 100th post with a golden opportunity to give a poor defenseless, abandoned stray cat a new home–while making some mad cash to boot! 

I've lived in big cities my entire adult life. Everywhere I've lived has had a healthy supply of stray cats in almost every neighborhood. Now, I need to go down on record and say that I am VERY far from a cat lover, but my personal sense of humanity and my own nurturing nature says no animal should have to 'rough it' in a man-made environment. 

So as a potential solution, I propose the following 'Cats For Cash' initiative. Hear me out before you go all ASPCA on my backside. 

Cats are coy, lovable furry little pests… I mean pets, that cuddle on demand, fetch, roll-over, wag their tail when you pet 'em, hop around when you come home and.. oh wait, those are called dogs. Well, I'm sure cats do useful and lovable stuff, too, like scratch up your furniture, pee on your stuff–so you have to throw it out–and make you sneeze uncontrollably. 

Anyway you look at these fun-fueled hairballs, they deserve a home. Here's what I suggest:

STEP 1: Find a cat. Dip your head into any city alleyway and you're sure to find a treasure trove of homeless felines of every make, model, color and grade of aloofness. Pick your candidate and proceed to…

STEP 2: Say cheese! Take a pic of your new home-needy hair factory. Try innovative and lovable poses (example: getting into trouble with the laundry is always an attention grabber!). Pick 3-6 of your favorite pics and then you're ready to… 

STEP 3: Create your Craigslist Cat-for-sale post! Come up with an adorable name like Muffins, Uncle Cuddle-bottoms, Mr. Mittens or one of my favorites, 'Bob' (wait for it…). Once your faux feline friend has a name it's time to create your fun back story! Popular options are; you have to move to a country where cats are not welcome or you've lost everything and have to downsize and can't keep him/her/it. You pick the tale, then weave your storytelling magic. Next…

STEP 4: Cha-ching! Posting to Instagram or Craigslist is best! Ask for a modest–but believable fee–"$250 obo" for your little schnook-ums. When meeting the new pet owner, remind them that their new pet loves long walks, 'Frisky-Fiesta' brand canned cat food (sure it's pricier but hey, the li'l feller's had a hard life, let him live a little) and that their shot record is not up-to-date (after all you don't want to LIE). 

BONUS! This is also a great opportunity to clean out the closet. Old shoes, torn socks, grimy old soft toys and stuffed animals long-past their prime can have new life dropped off with your little bundle of departing joy. Just tell the new owner Captain Cuddles can't go a day without 'ball-ball'. 

STEP 5: Rinse and repeat. Now, the drawback (aside from this being horribly immoral and potentially illegal) is the fact that once you successfully complete this transaction, you may have to go undercover, wear a disguise, change your name, get a new phone number etc. 

But hey, just think of all that cash! 

The Bottom Line: This post is purely a matter of comedy. If you're seriously thinking that scooping up stray cats and peddling them to unsuspecting single ladies online is okay, well, you are far from being (ahem!) the 'Cat's Meow.'

Five things to remember when you know everything

An open note to all children: Don't wait another moment! 

Go conquer the world while you still have it all figured out.

So, it's 2013 and children are smarter than ever. It's true. Empowered by the internet those born after 1992 in this country have grown up with the entire, combined history of humanity at their fingertips. The movies, the games, the entertainment; it's all so overwhelming. This generation has everything-and I mean everything–at their disposal. 

And they know it. 

You can't argue with this generation. You can't reason with them, you can't even impart knowledge, religion or spirituality of any kind. This isn't to say we shouldn't try–just that it's important for parents, educators and concerned adults to know, kids only half listen to anything we have to say. 

So since they all know everything already here are some useful tips to anyone currently age 20 and younger:

1. Parents know nothing – Have parents ever been cool? Ever? Of course not. They can't be, I mean, it's not like they know what it's like to be a kid, right? They don't know what it's like, to get up and day-after-day go do the same thing and like… gosh, like do stuff for a couple of straight hours and stuff. Hah! Next you'll be telling me they actually used to BE kids…
2. Hard work is too hard, don't do it – things like businesses, relationships, careers and life goals are such a waste of time. Why try at anything when you can "chill-lax" from an already difficult life filled with school, chores nagging parents and gaming? It's not like hard work gets you anything right? I mean, all the cool kids, they just have stuff handed to them and it's all bar-b-ques and baseball game box seats–all day everyday. You don't need to work hard, you need to win the lottery!
   
   Fun thought! – And don't forget to complain that you never win the lottery despite the fact that you don't play and you're under-aged.
   
   
3. TV is your friend – Just think of all the wildly successful super-celebrities who started their career by sitting on the couch and eating snacks until dinner time. These incredibly famous and wealthy super stars of inertia (non-existent though they may be) are imagined proof that doing nothing pays big.
   
   Fun Quiz! What's better than TV? YouTube!
4. Dream Big! Be sure to spend quality time worrying about people who don't worry about you. You know, important stuff like asking; who's cool? Answer? Anyone under 25! What are they doing, what's their favorite YouTube video, who did they break up with yesterday? These are vitally important facts that are worth untold hours and even days of your time. Be sure to stalk your favorite band on Twitter. Because, of the hundreds of thousands of fans they could want—YOU'RE the one they've been waiting for!
   
   Fun fact! Stalking also works amazingly well on athletes, musicians, politicians, actors and popular kids at school. What's a little restraining order between you anyway? I mean, why live YOUR life, when someone else is doing it better, right?
5. School is for chumps – Duh! This one one is wicked easy! School gets in the way of all kinds of fun stuff like X-BOX and PS3 time, FaceBook updates, porn, eating pizza with friends and watching YouTube videos where each one is funnier than the last.
   
   Honesty, all you're ever going to get out of school is friends, self respect, a potential life that might matter, a future, a sense of purpose, sports, a sense of community, a place to expand your mind and parts in the school play. Who needs any of that when in just ten short years of eating snacks in the living room and watching TV you can fast track yourself to Type 2 diabetes, hypertension, obesity, eyestrain and lethargy?

So what's it all mean? Time to live it up! Your folks will live forever, so why prepare for the future? That's hard and tough when instead you can eat Funyuns, send endless text messages that start and end with LOL and veg-out watching cartoon marathons. 

Remember, anything anyone ever accomplished took a bunch of time and was wicked hard. Why do any of that when you have 500 channels and pretzel M-and-M's?